Contributions to the tribute of Virginia Williams

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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

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The family of Virginia Williams uploaded a photo

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Grandma, I just got a call from Sue's principal for an interview for the kindergarten teacher position! I'm sure Sue had a lot to do with that, but I am so excited. This is the position I have wanted since before I graduated. I can remember talking to you about this classroom. I'm so excited Grandma, and I wish you were here. I wish you were here when I got the phone call, and that I could tell you all about it. It's all in God's hands, and I don't want to worry myself over this, but I really want this position, and I really want you to here to talk to. When I go in for the interview I will picture you standing there with me. I'm going to give them the best I've got. Good, better best. Never let it rest, until your good is better, and your better is your best. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Grandma, I am so excited right now I can barely breathe. I did it. I got my certification. I can teach now. This has been everything. I've worked so hard for it, and today I went out to the mail box, and saw a big envelope with my name on it, from the Illinois State Board of Education. I wish you were here. No one is here, and you would be so excited. Mom is on a new drug so right after I told her she just fell asleep. I've wanted this since I can remember and now I have it. I am now allowed to have my own room. I just wish you were here so that we could celebrate. You would be so excited for me. This is such a huge thing. I can't even believe I have it. This is like an entirely new chapter in my life. My life has changed so much since starting college. I lost Nanny, Aunt Barbara, you, and Angel. I miss my little love. I wish I could hug her and kiss her, and tell her about my certification, not that my selfish little girl would care.I just wanted to tell you all about it. I miss you to infinity and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Grandma, we just got our final grades. I got a 4.0. I'm totally finished. I made it through student teaching, and now I can be a teacher. I feel like it's not real, like something is going to happen where I don't actually get certified. I really wish you were here. I wore my locket with your picture in it, and a necklace that has a picture of Angel on it everyday that I was student teaching. It was so hard, and my teacher was so awful to me. The first day I taught on my own I pictured you, Nanny, Barbara, grandpa, grandma Mary, and Aunt Maude all sitting in the back watching. I know you so wanted to see my first classroom. I so wanted you to. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, January 4, 2013

Grandma, we lost Angel. I don't know what to do. It's like I have no idea who I am. I feel like my light is gone. I felt the life go out of my baby. I tried to stay calm, and soothing in the car with her on the way out to the emergency vet. When she stopped breathing I even opened her little mouth more, tried to move her tongue out of the way, and started pushing on her chest to the rhythm of the little heart beat that I could feel on my foot in the morning, and afternoon. I couldn't save her though. She fell over, and was completely limp. She jerked right before she quit breathing. When she jerked she tucked her little head into my chest. My little baby love with her little warm head. What am I going to do without her? I hope she went straight from my arms into yours. My days seems pointless, and useless. I just want to be alone. Sue said that Angel must have been thinking "There you are!" I hope that's the case. You are the only person I would trust to take care of our little girl. Our good little baby boo dog. It's gut wrenching. There is nothing of our normal day left Grandma. Angel was the last thing of our normal day. Now it's all gone. I don't want to be here, because when I'm here all I do is look for Angel, and want Angel. When I'm gone though I know I have to walk back through a door where my love will not greet me. What do I do? I don't know how to just leave the house. That's not how it was before. It was all based on Angel. Last night for the first time in forever I walked out of the house without breaking up treats. Even when she was sleeping, or out, and I left I would break treats up so that she knew I was gone. I don't know how to proceed with my day without her. I feel like I'm frozen. I can;t move, and I don't want to move. I miss you to infinity, and back forever and always. If my baby is with you give her a kiss on her little warm head, rub her little tummy, squeeze her little bunny foot, and rub her back.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, December 14, 2012

Grandma, I had my 24th birthday last week. It was nice. This was the first year that my friends put a real party together, they even got me presents. Can you believe it? I also went to go visit my classroom that I will be student teaching in. I wore my necklace that Nicole gave me with your picture in it. I wish you had been here before I left. I had dreams about grandpa all night last night. He took me to a concert, and we laughed, and joked. He must have said something in the dream about not being able to be there long, and I started crying, and I told him that I never wanted to lose him again. Sometimes I miss him so much. The last two quarters I have gotten straight A's. I'm hoping to end off this next quarter with an A too. It's going to be hard. I will have lessons to plan for my class, homework for my teacher, and homework for my supervisor. On Wednesdays I will have to leave the house at 6:20am, and won't be home until midnight. Those nights will be hard. So our Christmas party is in two Saturdays from now. I'm trying to make it everything that you would. I'm going to start making the cheeseballs during the week next week. Everyone loves those. I think I am making 8. That way we will have extra incase someone stops by that we have forgotten about. We are going to have so many people here. I'm making all of the desserts. Last year it was too stressful making the cakes, the cupcakes, the jello, the 8 cheeseballs, the fruit drops, the peppermint cookies, and whatever else I made all in one day. It was just too much. So this year I am doing it during the week. I think I will put on a baby video, Christmas music, and make them. Angel is going to be so excited to have everyone over at her house. I don't know if Dennis is coming or not. He once again blew off my birthday. In my dream grandpa said he could be a good guy, just not good enough. He's such a tool. Well the tree is decorated, the other decorations are up, and I have some presents wrapped under the tree. I have Angel's stocking filled. I have one thing in mom's. I still need things for Kathy's. I wish you were here to be part of all of the holiday fun. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

This was Christmas 2007, and when Amy walked through the door she looked so grown up. This was the first time that she was taller than Grandma. Grandma said "You two look so grown up. You have a life long friend in each other." I can remember feeling like that was such a huge moment. I looked over at Amy who for the first time looked grown up. She didn't look like a little girl that I had to watch she just looked like one of my best friends. Grandma was always right about things, and now even though Amy is in college we are closer than ever.

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Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Grandma, it's November, and you birthday is next week. I saw exactly what I would get you in the store. The tops were so pretty. I would also love to have made you a Shutterfly project with a picture of you and grandpa on it. I can also make fancier calendars on Shutterfly than I could on my computer. Yesterday I used the rug scrubber on my room. I don't know when the last time we did that was. I think I'm going to do the living room next. I thought about when we would do extreme cleaning. You would want me to do my drapes next, but I don't know how to do them. I ended up not going to the Long Island Medium. I don't think anything good could come from being there. I was watching videos today. I miss hearing your voice. I hate that we don't get to talk anymore. This weekend is the Marine Corps birthday and Veteran's day. Paul doesn't think I should go, because Dennis is terrible. The last few times I've gone he's been a total jerk about you. If I could make a trade with God I would do it in a second. If he says anything about you this time I think maybe I will just stop seeing him all together. I've given him numerous chances on everything. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

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Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Grandma, it's November, and you birthday is next week. I saw exactly what I would get you in the store. The tops were so pretty. I would also love to have made you a Shutterfly project with a picture of you and grandpa on it. I can also make fancier calendars on Shutterfly than I could on my computer. Yesterday I used the rug scrubber on my room. I don't know when the last time we did that was. I think I'm going to do the living room next. I thought about when we would do extreme cleaning. You would want me to do my drapes next, but I don't know how to do them. I ended up not going to the Long Island Medium. I don't think anything good could come from being there. I was watching videos today. I miss hearing your voice. I hate that we don't get to talk anymore. This weekend is the Marine Corps birthday and Veteran's day. Paul doesn't think I should go, because Dennis is terrible. The last few times I've gone he's been a total jerk about you. If I could make a trade with God I would do it in a second. If he says anything about you this time I think maybe I will just stop seeing him all together. I've given him numerous chances on everything. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, October 12, 2012

When I was younger I felt so cool being part of the group that I felt no one else could be a part of. It was normally me, Grandma, and Grandma Mary. A few times a week Aunt June would be part of it, and every now and then Aunt Barbara. I felt so special in this group. We used to go out everyday. When Grandma and grandma Mary would pick me up from kindergarten I felt so cool leaving to go with them to lunch. Like I had better things to do than sit around with the kids in my class. We would drive passed the lake on the way to lunch, and they would always tell me to look at the water. I don't ever remember being introduced as the granddaughter, I was always introduced as "our little girl". On the way home we would sing songs, and laugh and laugh. We did everything together. Just our little group that no one else could join. That I was lucky enough to be part of.

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Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, October 12, 2012

When I was younger I felt so cool being part of the group that I felt no one else could be a part of. It was normally me, Grandma, and Grandma Mary. A few times a week Aunt June would be part of it, and every now and then Aunt Barbara. I felt so special in this group. We used to go out everyday. When Grandma and grandma Mary would pick me up from kindergarten I felt so cool leaving to go with them to lunch. Like I had better things to do than sit around with the kids in my class. We would drive passed the lake on the way to lunch, and they would always tell me to look at the water. I don't ever remember being introduced as the granddaughter, I was always introduced as "our little girl". On the way home we would sing songs, and laugh and laugh. We did everything together. Just our little group that no one else could join. That I was lucky enough to be part of.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, October 12, 2012

Grandma, I was just looking outside, and for some reason I thought of one night when I told you I was going to go out for a jog. It was winter time, but fairly warm. You were making spaghetti, and I ran around the circle by Ann's house, and everytime I passed the intersection I could see you walking around the kitchen making dinner. Right before I left you had put the garlic bread in. The drapes were opened, but it was dark so it was really easy to see in. Then when I came in the house smelled like garlic bread, and spaghetti. A few minutes after I came in mom came home. You had my salad all ready for me with the dressing on it, and the garlic bread was sitting right next to me. I don't know what that is such a distinct memory, but I think about it all the time. AJ's aunt Kim I think is going to die soon. She is really sad, and said to me last night that no one knows what she is going through. When she first said that it made me mad. I've lost all of my aunt's except Kathy, and I lost someone more important, you. I'm trying not to be selfish with her right now. I'm trying to be supportive, knowing that it's not the same. I don't want to say I know how she feels, because it makes me furious when people say they know. They don't know. They all have both of their parents. In a few weeks we are going to go see the Long Island Medium... I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know what God feels about that. If it's possible for you, and right with God though I really would love to hear from you. We aren't going to be close to the stage so I am not expecting anything from her, and like I said I don't know if any of that is possible. If God is not okay with it, then where does she get her information? That's scary. I don't want anything that wouldn't be okay with God, or anything that wouldn't actually be you. Sometimes you are so real in my dreams that I can't believe it's not you. I wonder if God lets you come visit me in my dreams, or if it's just hopefully thinking, and my mind trying to cope with all of us. I would like to think that it's really you, and grandpa coming to spend time with me. Especially since grandpa never met me. Sometimes I miss him so much, and I don't know how to explain that to people, because we didn't know each other. I hope my kids miss you like I miss him. I miss you to infinity and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Grandma, it's really fall now. I really really missed you yesterday. I forgot to tell you about the dream I had the other night. I dreamed that I was little, and I was outside. It was so windy, and granpa came, and wrapped me up in his coat, and brought me inside. I was around the same age as Kathy and mom, and when we went inside you were making some kind of apple cinnamon thing in the oven. It was so nice, and homey. Then a few nights ago I had a dream that mom and Kathy were fighting and I told them that when you got back from gambling you wouldn't put up with them fighting anymore, and it was like I was trying to work through something that was missing in the dream. Then I realized it was you. You weren't gambling... Then I spiraled a little out of control in my dream. Usually I don't realize it in my dream. It's like sometimes I can feel that something is off, but I don't figure it out. Sometimes I don't figure it out until I'm coming down the stairs. I really hate not having you here. It's awful. On TV they are starting to talk about counting down 25 days of Christmas. Christmas is never going to be the same though. I'll never sleep in my bed in my room at your house, and walk by your room to wake you up. Ugh everything about this is terrible. I thought of you the other day when I brought out my Halloween socks. You always thought my socks were so cute. You are probably the only one who gets as excited about my socks as me. I wish I could tell you about the kids Grandma. They are getting so big, and they are so smart. I just love them to pieces. I also wish you could play a game that Kathy got me for my Halloween party. It's a game called loaded questions. I think we would all have a lot of fun playing it. I wish you were going to be here for the party. I try to make the parties as nice as yours were, but I'm just not that good at it. If you were here you could wear one of your wigs to dress up. It would be fun. This week has been hard. I've really been missing you, Grandma Mary, Nanny, and Aunt Barbara. I did a lot of cleaning in my house. I pulled the chairs out from the kitchen table and dusted them just like you used to have me do when I was little. Our house is looking kind of nice. You would be pleased with it. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, October 5, 2012

Grandma, I just got the results, and I passed the test! I did it I wish you were here so I could tell you, you would be so proud of me! I miss you to infinity, and back forever and always

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, October 5, 2012

Grandma, I should be getting my results for my content test today. I'm really nervous. I'm sick of jumping through hoops to do something that I am good at. I don't want to have to take the test again. There's no way of studying for it, and I am just going to feel like a failure if I don't pass it. I'll know the results as soon as 20 minutes and no later than 5 hours. I wish you were here to be with me when I got the results. I never want to disappoint you. Next weekend we are going to go to Lake Geneva, I wish you could come with us. The trees are getting so pretty. Your tree across the street is beautiful. Our trees are starting to get pretty too. AJ's little nephew came over today. I wish you would have been here to see him. He's very cute. Can you believe AJ is getting married? I took her's and Paul's engagement photos yesterday. They turned out nice I think. We will see what happens with my content test. At this point I am not willing to try again. I just hate the idea of it. I've prayed about it though, and it's no longer in my hands. I miss you to infinity and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, October 5, 2012

Grandma, I should be getting my results for my content test today. I'm really nervous. I'm sick of jumping through hoops to do something that I am good at. I don't want to have to take the test again. There's no way of studying for it, and I am just going to feel like a failure if I don't pass it. I'll know the results as soon as 20 minutes and no later than 5 hours. I wish you were here to be with me when I got the results. I never want to disappoint you. Next weekend we are going to go to Lake Geneva, I wish you could come with us. The trees are getting so pretty. Your tree across the street is beautiful. Our trees are starting to get pretty too. AJ's little nephew came over today. I wish you would have been here to see him. He's very cute. Can you believe AJ is getting married? I took her's and Paul's engagement photos yesterday. They turned out nice I think. We will see what happens with my content test. At this point I am not willing to try again. I just hate the idea of it. I've prayed about it though, and it's no longer in my hands. I miss you to infinity and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, September 17, 2012

Grandma, I hope you all had a wonderful time yesterday on Aunt Barbara's birthday. It's turning to fall. I wish you were here to see it. When I drive down Wadsworth the trees have started changing. We've had such beautiful weather lately. I wish you were here so we could go to the lake, and the harbor marina. Ashley, and I were walking in Kenosha yesterday and we passed the Boat House. I know how to get to it now. I wish we could go there. I wish we could get dressed up, and go. I could park by the water so we could watch the boats, and then we could go for lunch together. I miss doing things with you. I hate not having you here. Stiles will be putting up their Halloween decorations soon. AJ and I will of course go and take our pictures there. Next weekend I'm going with a group to Buca di Beppo. That's the place we go for Dimetri's birthday. I'm excited about it, but I'm also really nervous. I'm worried about driving by Brentwood. We drive right by out. I'm a little concerned that I'm going to just have a nervous breakdown. I hate September. I used to love it, because it was turning to fall. Now it's just full of horrible dates, Barbara, you, Nanny, Sue Flowers. I can barely take it. Mom is really missing Sue Flowers. I wish she had another friend to turn to. I wish Dennis didn't suck, and they were ready at this point in their lives to get back together. I scanned some new pictures of you and grandpa. You guys look like movie stars. I so wish I could have known him. Sometimes I really miss him. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Grandma, today was Sherri's birthday. I really wanted to do something nice for her, because I don't know that anyone actually makes her feel special. So I got her a present, and a balloon, and took them to St. Therese. It didn't occur to me until I got there that the last time I was there we were getting into my car listening to Thriller, and leaving rehab. Rick practically carried you out to the car. As I walked over the overpass I thought about how excited I was to walk over there with you when we went to Dr. Yorro's office. I always felt so big going up there. Then I waited for Sherri. Mom always told me that the St. Therese people were like work family. Sherri always reminded me of Nanny, and Sue reminded me of Aunt Barbara. As I waited for Sherri I missed Nanny. Then I thought about how when I was little I would see Mary, then Sue, then run back to Sherri. So then I missed Sue. Which made me miss Aunt Barbara, and I am always missing you. When I finally got into the parking lot I was a mess. I wanted to see you, Nanny, Aunt Barbara, Sue, and Grandma Mary. It doesn't really matter what I want though, because everyone is gone. I hate this. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Wiliams posted a condolence

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Grandma, I'm watching the Golden Girls right now, and you would find this episode so funny. It made me think of that video we watched That Funny Old Lady. I had a dream the other night that we were sitting in the living room together watching tv. Sometimes I look in the window as I'm driving away hoping to see you, and wave to you. I got together with Ashley this week. I've really missed her. I lost her, and you all at the same time. She was my best friend, and suddenly she was gone. I sent her a message, and we went to Walmart together. I don't know if we will ever be friends like we were before, but we can try. I hate being without you. I miss you to infinity and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Grandma, yesterday was 4th of July. I wish I could show you the pictures of the fireworks. Paul, and I went to Lake Zurich for them. They were pretty. On the way home I started thinking about how when we were in Brentwood I showed you the pictures of the fireworks. Then I thought about how when you weren't getting enough oxygen you thought we were in a hotel, and you thought that I was sleeping there in the room with you. It made me so sad. I wish I could just be sleeping there. Sometimes when Paul would drop me back off at Brentwood when we were there, and the visiting hours were over I would just sit in the parking lot, and stare at your room. I would think about how close you were, and it killed me to drive home without you. I thought about how if I could just open your window, I could put you in the car, and we could go home. Then today I was sitting here thinking about how we watch shows together, and I could just see you laughing about something that I saw today. I hate this. I hate that nothing will change. This isn't going to get better. It just keeps getting worse. There are so many things I want to tell you, and show you, and do with you. They are having mystery dinners at the beach, and I wish we could all go together. I wish I still had you. I miss you to infinity and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Grandma, I had a dream last night that we were in Chicago, and I was showing you the road that I walk down to get to the Chicago campus. Then in my dream you were driving, and we went to Bakers Square. I couldn't figure out why I thought I would never be able to go to Bakers Square again. While we were there we got soup before our meal, because it was cold in there. Then I took a bunch of pictures, and videos of us. Then Angel came in my room, and woke me up. She scared us last night. She was at your house, and went under Kathy's desk, and she got a hold of some kind of nut ont he floor. We weren't sure if it was one she could have or not. Don't worry baby seems fine. I miss you to infinity, and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Grandma, I did it!!! This quarter has been so so hard. I've had five classes, and didn't think I was going to make it through, but I did. My grades were just posted, and I got straight A's! My GPA is a 4.0! Can you believe it. Just like my teacher wrote on my paper my freshman year another A to bring home to Grandma. Five A's for you Grandma! I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, May 28, 2012

Grandma, it's been a rough week. Sue Lowe's father died, and then her mom lost her puppy. Luckily her puppy came back. I've had so much homework that I could go crazy. I've written so many papers, and I haven't gotten to read any of them to you. You're the only one who was ever interested in them. I've been working so hard, and I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Today is Memorial Day so I went to the stupid bar to see Dennis. I shouldn't have gone. I get three days a year where I can pretend/feel like I have a semi normal dad. Just three days. Today I didn't get that though. He was drunk, and all he did was upset me. He makes me furious. If he thinks for a second that I wouldn't trade him for you in the blink of an eye he's got another thing coming to him. I'm so tired, and I need to keep working on my paper. I wish I could read them to you, or tell you about them. I need to call Diane. I missed her the other day,and thought about calling her, but was afraid to. It only makes me miss you, Nanny, and Barbara more; if that's even possible. All I want to do right now is crawl over to your chair, and put my head in your lap, and make Angel mad that I am intruding on her time with you. I had a dream the other night that is was Christmas morning. It was such a homie dream. I wish it was all real. I went up to your room to get you, and Nanny was there. You told me that grandpa might throw the prime rib on the grill. I don't understand why it can't be like that. Why we can't have a whole family again. Now we are just part of a family struggling to get by without the rest of it. Everyday is just a reminder that you aren't here. When I was picking out sympathy cards for Sue I couldn't even finish reading some of them. They were so full of crap. Talking about how time heals everything, and the memories will keep you safe. Those are all lies. Time heals nothing. Time means that it's just been longer since I haven't seen you, and that it becomes less and less important to more and more people. Time makes it worse. Time forces you to change. I can't eat at any of our places, or watch any of our shows. I can't hear songs we used to sing. I feel like I'm a vase balancing on the edge of a table, and if someone even blinks too hard I could fall and shatter into a million pieces. The slightest thing can break me, and I haven't learned how to recover from it. From a thought. It takes all my strength to act normal, and to recover from just a little thought of you that makes me so unbearably sad that I don't feel like I can do anything ever again. I just want us all to be together again. I want to wake up tomorrow, and go next door, and sit with you in the living room. I want to read my papers to you, and have you tell me that I am smart enough, and strong enough to get through this awful quarter that I am ready to run away from even though it's almost over. I want to talk to you about what a piece of work Dennis is. I need to go back, and work on my papers. I hope I see you in my dreams tonight. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Grandma, so the last few days I can't get a specific image out of my head. I can just see you in your chair smiling, but the kind of smile that you do when you don't know anyone is looking. It's not a full smile it's just a pleased smile. Your eyes get squinty, but your teeth aren't showing. I can see it in my head, and it's driving me crazy. Today while I was on the train a woman infront of my who was facing me made a face, and a hang gesture that reminded me of you. I thought I was going to have to go home, because I didn't think I was going to be able to take it. I had to retape the windowwells. Remember when I had to do them when I got home from Nostalgia days? Mom has been off work for two weeks, and it looks like she is going to be off for two more. She's loving it. I'm glad someone is home with Angel. She's so funny. She looks in your house sometimes, and I'm pretty sure she is looking for you. Looking through a door to a life that is gone, that we can never get back. Thank goodness for Angel. She is the last normal thing I have of our days together. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, May 7, 2012

Grandma, I got my hair cut yesterday. It made me sad. I was growing it out just like you like it. I haven't cut it since the last time you saw me cut it, and you thought it was too short. So now I want it long. They cut it shorter than we like though, but it looks healthier. Do you remember the first time we went to Hair Cuttery, and a girl named Darlene cut my hair? Now hearing the name it sounds much more normal, but at the time I couldn't understand why they were pronouncing darling wrong. She said that we should brush my hair 100 times a day, and you told her that you would. Then we went home, and I sat infront of the chair on the stool, and you brushed my hair with 100 strokes. The lady put stuff in my hair that is supposed to make it less frizzy. Since it's less frizzy the waves really show up. Kathy bought me the stuff to put in it. I am hopefully going to start running,and taking care of myself better. I thought my photo editing website was coming down, but I found the edits on another site. I'm going to make more pictures of us since I can't take more. i hate that I'm never going to have an authentic new photo of us. I met this lady on the train the other day. She was an older lady she had a pink blazer on. I feel incredibly drawn to older people now. The pink blazer reminded me of you. I was grateful to be next to her, but then it turned into almost resentment. When I first got off the train I felt really good, and then it occurred to me that I was never going to sit with you again. I just want you to come back. I do love getting to talk to people that I'll never see again. They don't know what happened. It's one of the only times I feel normal. i can talk about you like you are waiting for me at home, I can lie to them, and talk about you without crying. I told this woman what pretty hair you have after she commented on mine. I told her that you raised me, and she said you did a good job. I told her I would tell you that. A few days ago mom turned on King of Queens. I know she was just trying to turn on something that I liked, but I thought I was going to lose my mind. I couldn't take the sound of their voices mixed with the thought of us laughing with the episodes, and just watching them in our living as one of our shows. I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. I can't watch any of our shows. They were my favorite shows, but I can;t watch them anymore. Every day when I am walking through Chicago I pass by a bus that has Seinfeld on it, and a bus that has King of Queens. It's crushing, those were our things, and now I can't bare to even see them. I wish I could have you back. I don't understand why I can't still see you. It doesn't make sense to me why God doesn't allow that. I know God's plan is perfect, and I trust in it completely. I pray to Him that if it's allowed that I will see you in my dreams., and I do, but i don't know if it's because you are always on my mind, or if it's really you. Whatever it is I will take it. Even though when I wake up my world shatters, and falls away from me. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Grandma, I still haven't found another place to write to you. This still just seems to fit. I have such exciting news, and I wish I could run over to your chair, and tell you. I e-mailed Dr. Howard Gardner who is a big name in early childhood education, and psychology, and he e-mailed me back. he said that he agreed with my ideas, and thought I had great questions! I just know how excited you would be for me. I so wish we were sitting here together. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Grandma, Spring is here again. The other day I walked into the house after having the screen door opened, and it made me think of when you would do Spring cleaning, take all of the drapes down, and the house would smell so fresh,a nd good. I am hoping to do that today. I am on Spring Break right now then I start a quarter with a really hard schedule. I wish we could go to lunch together. A few weeks ago I had a dream that we went to see a movie that you were starring in. It was a silent film, and you were singing, and dancing. It was a lot of fun. It reminded me of the dream I had about us being at Avalon, and you walked through to the other side. I'm worried about leaving Angel when I go to school Monday through Thursday. She is used to having me here, our poor little baby. She doesn't like to be alone. I'm helping Kathy clean out the house. I was doing my room. I took down the MELANIE acronym, and all my awards, and pictures. I thought about how you made that room completely for me, and how you put all those things up. It made me sad to take them down. I hate that you aren't here. I can't think about you too much, because it plunges me into this unbelievable aching pain that doesn't even seem like it could be possible. I can't think about you enough though, because I feel like our time that we spent together is getting farther away, and I can't run fast enough to catch it. I don't ever want you to be just a memory of mine. I hate that to my kids you will just be stories. I hope that I do as good of a job bringing them close to you as you guys did with grandpa. Even though I never met him I sometimes miss him so much. Lots of things have been happening around here lately. Chuck's house caught on fire. His son left a cigarratte burning outside. They can't live there right now. Then on St. Patrick's Day a drunk driver drove straight through Sue's mom's house. Everyone is ok though. This is so awful. This whole thing. Sometimes I go into your room, open up your closet, close my eyes, and lean against your clothes. They still smell like you. I pretend that we are just sitting downstairs together, and I am hugging you. I don't stay there too long, because not only does it almost cripple me with pain, but I'm so worried that one day they won't smell like you. I wish I could capture the smell, and keep it forever. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Grandma, well it's a new year yet again. I think it's sinking in more that you will not be here this year. Kathy, and I went to see the cast from Pine Valley. I so wish you could have come. it was so much fun. I would have loved to have you there. Jack was scary though. I got a key chain that says "I watched AMC with my Grandma". I had a dream that if I went to Avalon at a certain time I could see you. I brought Kathy to show her that you were there to have lunch with your friends. You were in your white slacks, and your navy blue shirt that has the white towards the bottom, with your white purse. that dream made me nervous. In that dream I knew we didn't have you anymore. In all of my other dreams I never know that. Then last night in my dream I ran up to hug you,and I wouldn't stop. That dream was more normal. I knew I missed you so much, but didn't know why. I still have to fight with when I can think about you, or not. It still comes down like a crushing blow when I realize everything that has happened. It still sickens me to think about it. I made Sue a recipe book with your recipes for her birthday. I used a thing called Shutterfly so it looks like a professional book. You would love it. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Merry Christmas Grandma, this is the first Christmas that I didn't spend the night at your house. It was kind of awful. I wanted to be in my room, and I wanted to wake up in the morning, and come down your stairs. We didn't even drink from our gold cups. It didn't feel like Christmas Eve. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. I know that you would want us to have a good holiday, but how can we? Like the song says we'll just have to muddle through somehow. I guess we had as good of a Christmas as we could have without you .I wish you were here. Dennis was a jerk. If I could I would trade him a heart beat to get you back. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, December 9, 2011

Grandma, today I turned 23. I wish I could have gone next door this morning to the sound of our birthday hamster. I wish you could have been here. I would have traded all the time with my friends for the day with you. I hate having my birthday without you. I thought it would be easier this year since this is the second year, but I think it was harder. Last year I was so much in shock that I don't think it had fully sunk in, so I don't think that it hit me. This year though it hit me. You weren't here, and I could feel it big time. You would have liked the decorations. MOm, and Kathy decorated the house with little things of Angel. It was cute. I wish you were here Grandma, I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving Grandma. Today we are having AJ, and Leif over, and we invited Dennis. He hasn't let us know if he is coming, or not. Of course mom wants him here so I hope he comes. We are doing it at our house this year. I wish you were here to have it with us. I put the tree up this morning. It's weird to have it over here. I wish I could show you the decorations. Angel is a little nervous about the tree. I'm thinking once the tree has the skirt Angel will be happier. I'm not sure how it looks where it is. It's in the middle of the window. I can see Ann's decorations from our house. They look nice. We need to invite her to our Christmas party. We are having it on the 17th. I will of course be making our cheeseballs for everyone. They are such a big hit. I would rather be making them with you though. We are going to go Black Friday shopping at midnight, or around then. I think you would feel like it was really fun, and exciting. I bet we will see lots of things we could get for you. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, November 21, 2011

Grandma, today I am putting up our Pre-Christmas Decorations. This is the first time I've ever put them up at my house. I love decorating, but I hate not doing it with you. I wish you were here, we always did this together. I've found myself in a crippling spot while putting up the decorations. I would give anything to have you back here helping me, and listening to music while we sing, and put up the decorations. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Happy Birthday Grandma! What I wouldn't give to be celebrating it with you today. I wish that I could have brought down the dancing/singing hamster. I wish we were going to the Loan Star this weekend. I wish I was helping you pick out an outfit, and I wish we could take a million pictures. I hate that you aren't here to celebrate with us. It's almost time for us to put our pre-Christmas decorations up. We are supposed to do that together. I wish you were coming back. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Grandma, almost all of the leaves from our tree have fallen. Our yard looks so pretty even though I know you wouldn't like it. I have the basement on my side almost clean. I put up these shelves, and have organized a lot of it. I wish I could show you. You would be so happy that I almost have our house in order. I'm really excited about decorating for Christmas. We are bringing all of the decorations over here, and having the Christmas party over here. I promise to make the house look as nice as possible. We've never had the party over here, but I am going to do my best to make it look nice, and I'm going to make all of our usual dishes plus some oldies. I was driving home from the train station the other night, and Bad Bad Leroy Brown came on. Remember when you used to sing that in the car? We might get snow flurries tonight. Can you imagine snow before your birthday? I'm almost done with my student teaching. I wish I could tell you all about it, and who you pictures. It's been great. I couldn't be more positive that this is where I want to be. I have conferences tonight. Grandma I wish I could bring you in, and show you the classroom. It's not my classroom, but it's the first class that I've taught in. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Grandma, I got my midterm evaluation today. I got really good scores. I wish I could have come home, and shown them to you. I was really nervous this morning before I left. I took pictures of the party that we had last night at my school. I wish I could show you my pictures, and tell you all about my little guy John. Amy's birthday is this weekend. It's going to be her 18th birthday. Can you believe it? I wish I could tell you about the teachers at Spaulding too. I want to wave good bye to you in the morning, and I want to come home, and talk to you about my day. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Grandma, I miss you so much. I wish I could tell you all the stories of student teaching. Tomorrow we are going on a field trip to the Botanic Gardens. I wish I could show you the pictures I'm going to take. Then on Sunday we are going to Lake Geneva. You would like that. Your tree in the neighborhood is looking perfect right now. I went on a walk with Amy, and took pictures of it. Today is Sue Flowers' birthday. I hope you two are celebrating together. Of course I wish both of you were here. I would give anything to have you back. I understand why we don't get to have you. We should still have you. None of it is fair. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Grandma, Kathy made your spaghetti the other night. Walking into your house made me cry. I wish it was you making it. We lost Sue Flowers. I know it doesn't seem possible, but Larry found her. I'm worried about mom. This is going to be really hard on her. I can't believe we lost her. I can't believe we lost you. All of this is awful. I don't understand why these things need to happen. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Grandma, today my supervisor from NLU came to watch me in the classroom. She said I did everything totally right, and that the kids really liked me, and responded well to me. We had a new little boy today who just clung to me all day, he didn't want to be with the other teachers. She said this was the first time that she didn't have anything to tell the person to improve upon. She said I was great, and could take over the classroom. I was feeling so pumped about this great evaluation, but then I got home, and realized that you weren't here for me to tell. You would have been so excited. I couldn't wait to tell you. I'm feeling much better about my student teaching now, because I feel good, and my supervisor from NLU thinks I did great. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

P

Pat, Kathy, Melanie, Angel and Stella lit a candle

Saturday, September 24, 2011

We love you.

M

Melanie posted a condolence

Friday, September 23, 2011

Grandma, tonight we are going to do dinner at the lake. I wish you were coming with us. I feel like our worlds have been shattered into a thousand different pieces, and we can't put it back together. I'm scared to go tonight, we were just there last year. How can we go without you? How can we do any of this without you? Time hasn't made it better at all times just made it longer since we've gotten to see you. I want to see you I hate being without you. I hate having to struggle everyday, because you aren't here. I don't even know how to help people who lose their loved ones anymore, because there is no help. I can't stand to even look at them, because telling them things will get better would be a lie. I want to tell them that things won't be better you will miss them with every single breath you take, and you will never get used to being without them. I am jealous of people I see walking around with their grandparents. Why didn't I get to keep you? We deserved to keep you longer why couldn't we be happy too? It's not fair. So Grandma tonight I'm going to go to the lake. I'm going to sit with the family, and the only thing I'm going to try, and do is keep it together. I had a dream last night that we were in your living room talking about the glasses chain. I told you I had found more, and I wanted to get them for you. I told you that I had missed you so much, and didn't know why I hadn't seen you in so long. Then I woke up. Just like I always do. Just like I always it didn't hit me right away, but as always when it hits it hits like a ton of bricks crashing into my world all over again. I know tonight that we will be with other people that miss you, but sometimes I don't want to hear it. Sometimes I like to hear that other people still miss you, and think about you, and other times I just want to tell them to shut up, because they don't miss you like we do. They think about you sometimes, but Grandma I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie posted a condolence

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Grandma, I started student teaching this week, but really this time. I love it. It's exactly what I want. People in class said that they are shocked, and that they don't like it, but I think it's perfect. I have your picture on my bag, and when I sit at my desk in the morning I look at it. I picture how it would be if I were pulling out of our drive way, and you would wave to me, and I would call you when I got to the school, and you would tell me to have a good day. You would be so excited about all this. I'm bringing Grayson over tomorrow. I wish you were here to see him. It's getting cold out, and I brought your cardi coat down, and Angel was so excited. She layed down on it. It still smells like you. I wish that I could invent something that bottles up a smell forever. I'm always so afraid that the things will lose their sent. I wish I could bottle up a sound, and a feeling, and when I opened it I could feel it all over again. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always Grandma.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, September 12, 2011

Grandma, I start my class in Chicago tonight. It makes me a little nervous. I don't really want to go. It's the day after September 11th. Of course I don't want to leave our little baby Angel either. Mom, and Kathy went to a psychic this weekend, and the lady had some things that sounded a lot like you. I don't know how that works though. Part of me regrets not going, because of course I want to hear from you, but then the other part wonders if it was you she was tuned in on, or not. I wish I had the answers to it. If I knew for sure it was you, and it wasn't against God's will I would surrond myself with psychics all the time. That wouldn't be healthy either. I don't have much to write today. I feel like I always write the same things. Just constantly talking to you about how much I miss you, and wish you were here. I don't understand how people can say that time heals wounds. I don't feel healed. I feel like I've just learned to live with the constant ache. I don't feel any better about it anything that happened now than I did then. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Grandma, I start my class in Chicago this coming Monday. It's a night class again so I doubt anyone will go with me. It's a teacher I have had before though, and she's really nice. I know that you wouldn't want me in Chicago at night though. On the 23rd we are going out for the fish fry that you were planning. We are inviting Sue, Tim, and Amy, and Leif, AJ, and Ann. I hope everyone can come, and I hope we can keep it together. I'm not feeling well today. I had a dream last night that you told me to put menthyladum on so I've been wearing it all day. I wish you were here. It's that time of the year again, and if it's even possible I miss you more. I don't know if I miss you more, of if everything just seems like it just happened again. The weather is the same, it's the same month, I'm going to have the same teacher. So it's bringing back a lot of memories. I don't know if I will be able to go the lake. You wanted to go, and you love it there, but the last time we went we went together. We both got all dressed up, and we went, and had lunch. We requested a window seat, and it was just us. I remember what I wore even. They were doing construction there, and you were worried about me getting the wheel chair up the ramp. It was a tight squeeze, but you knew I would never let anything happen to you. Paul, and I are going apple picking on Saturday. We went this time last year too. That's when you had your stroke, but they didn't know if was a stroke. I knew it was though. I thought about how I would get off the elevator at the hospital, and the ladies there would say "Oh there's Grandma's girl". Then I thought about that lady at Bakers Square again. The one who we passed one time while we were leaving. She stopped us, and said that she used to go out to lunch with her grandmother, and she misses it everyday. She was in her 70's, or 80's. She told me to cherish every lunch I had with you, and told you how much I would apprieciate it when I got older. I wish we could go to Baker's Square. I don't know if I will ever be able to go back there again. I haven't been to any of our restaurants. I just can't do it. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Grandma, last night there was a lot of walking in my room. My floors creaked all night. I'd like to think it was you, but again I don't know how that works. Mom, and I watched The Hereafter, and it made me want to go see a psychic to see if they saw you with us. If you had anything you wanted to tell us. I don't think God likes psychics though. Angel is at the spa right now. I almost went next door to see you, but you aren't there for me to see. Facebook said that a year ago today you ate your entire dinner, because our family came to visit you. Could that really have happened a year ago? Why is everything so fresh if it was that long ago, and how could something as simple as just sitting, and eating with you have taken place such a long time ago?I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, September 2, 2011

Grandma, even though it seemed like fall was just around the corner it's hot again. Too hot. The weather was perfect. We had a few days in a row of 72 degrees, you, and I always said that, that was the perfect temperature. I have my house almost completed. It's pretty clean now that all the birthdays are over. I think mom had a really nice birthday. I put Beatles posters on the wall, and Kathy got this rock star table cloth. We got the cake that you always got her. The chocolate cake, with chocolate buttercream frosting, and pink writing. It was hot pink though, not that pretty light pink. Mom really liked the hot pink. It's September. I can't believe it's been almost a year since we've seen eachother. On facebook it tells me what my status was on the same day as last year. Today's status was that you were doing much better. I was hoping by this time I wouldn't have to be updating that you were getting better. Last year I assumed that at this time this year you would be fine. I dream about you almost every single night. I like to think that it's really you coming to visit me, but I don't know if that's how God works. I would love to think it was. Even though as I've said before it's crushing when I wake up, but during the dream, and the few seconds, sometimes minutes after I wake up it's perfect. I woke up this morning, because I thought I heard you call my name. When I opened my eyes you weren't there though. I wish I could show the hydrangeas. They were so pretty Grandma. I took a picture of them that you would really like. Mom also got these really pretty flowers for her birthday that I think you would like. My little Gray starts preschool next week. I wish I could show him to you. The last time I showed you a picture was of Garrett while we were at Brentwood, and you thought he looked so sweet. He's turned out to be quite the sweetheart. I really wish I could bring them over so you could see how great they are. I know how much you liked when I brought them over. You thought they were so well behaved, and you liked to tell everyone that as soon as I told Mackenna, and Gray to put their shoes on they ran right over, and did it. Grayson still talks about the cookie that you gave him. He asks about you. You would be so impressed with them. I wish I could show you all the pretty fall decorations that we have, and the beautiful Christmas decorations that I found that were Grandma Mary's. The whole house will be decorated this year. I'm hoping that to do so isn't as paralyzing as it was last year. You would be happy to know that all three of us are on diets now. Mom is starting hers after labor day, and she says she will be really strict with it. Kathy thinks that congdon will take this part of the sight down. I'm hoping that they don't. She's worried they will after a year. Then where will I write? I like this, because I'm actually sending it somewhere. It's not just sitting here with me it's going out. My heart is still breaking every second that you aren't here. I want to think that we will be ok, and I know you would want us to pull ourselves together, and be strong. I think we've pulled ourselves together as much as we possibly can at this point. It feels like we have worked extremely hard just to keep up with everyday life. To go back to work, school, to see people. You would not want us wallowing in self pity. You taught us better than that, but you are our strength, and we are having a hard time finding it just within ourselves. I wish you were here Grandma, I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Grandma, I was supposed to start teaching this week. I was there for two days, but the schedule was changed. I really wished that I was waving to you my first day that I left. Then today was Mackenna's first day of school. I saw her go on the bus, and waved good-bye to her. I thought about all those times that I looked out the window, and waved to you. I missed that. Then I thought about how on my first day of school you would always tell me how much you missed me when I got home. I hate knowing that I'll never hear that again. I never understood why you missed me so much, or why it was exciting for you to wave to me. I loved waving to you. Today when I watched Mackenna go away I understood. I miss you Grandma, and I want you to come back. It's almost mom's birthday. We are going to the Shanty I think. I wish you were here. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, August 12, 2011

Grandma, we went to see Paul McCartney. Mom had so much fun. We had a really good time. I wish you were there. I wish you were everywhere with us. I had a dream the other night that we were at Bakers Square, and you asked me if I was sad, and I asked you why you thought I would be sad, because it's my favorite restaraunt. Mom dreamt about you the other night. That was the first night I don't remember dreaming about you, and the first night she has. Kathy is jealous, and doesn't know why she hasn't had any dreams about you. I wish I could show you the picture that I edited of you, and your dad. You are so little, and it's a photo that I haven't really seen before. I wish you were here so I could tell you how beautiful you are, and what a model you used to look like. I can see where we look alike now. I'd also like to ask you about this Al guy. More than anything though I'd like to sit at the foot of your chair leaning up against it with you behind it. I want to be able to walk over there in the morning, and smell the coffee, and your perfume. I want you to say "Good morning honey", and I want you to tell me I look pretty, and I want to tell you how nice your hair looks on Saturday mornings, and I want to get excited about doing things with you, and for you, and I want to say hi to you again. It's almost been a year, and I've still been expecting you to come back once the year is up. I need a new picture of us Grandma. My old one is over a year old now, and I want another one. I want a million more. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, July 22, 2011

Grandma, today is Kathy's birthday. I hope everything goes well today. I wish you were here to celebrate with us. I had a dream last night that you, and I were going through jewlery for you to wear for today. You had so many necklaces on that I told you if you stood up you would fall over. After All My Children I am going to decorate our house. I told mom to get Kathy a coconut cake just like you used to with pink writing on it. I'm going to get a cake for Leif too. We are combining birthdays. We are going to Red Lobster tonight with Sue, and Amy to celebrate Leif, and Kathy's birthdays. I hate you not being here. I still feel like once summer is over though that you are coming back. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Grandma, I went out, and cleaned the windows today. Just a few more days until our 4th of July party. Ann is coming. She got a hair cut. It looks nice. She stopped by the house the other day with Lexi. I watched Ann, and Lexi together, and it made me wonder if that's what we looked like when I was little. My house is almost totally clean. I wish you could see it. It looks pretty nice. I wish I could see you. I miss you. A few days ago Michael sent me a message , and asked me to play football. AJ, Michael, and I went, and played football, and basketball. It put me back in a different mindset. It was like I was worried about getting home at 5 for dinner, and I really thought you would be here. When he dropped me off I remembered. I hate this. I hate not having you here, and I hate not being able to do anything to change that. People say you need time, but time doesn't seem to be doing anything other than making it longer since the last time I saw you. Time isn't making it any easier, it's just making it longer. No one knows what to say, and I don't expect them to. It's hard when everyone is trying so hard to make things easier, and say things to make you feel better. It's nice of them, but nothing works, and it's become tiring trying to make them feel like they are helping. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, really I do appreciate their effort. I just don't have the energy to make them feel better. My friends hate seeing me sad, and they have their own things going on. I was looking at a picture of you,and grandpa that I have up in my room. I pictured myself running up, and hugging both you just as you were in the picture, and the way you would smell, and how your coats would feel, and how the air would feel. I thought about how happy you were in that picture. You had just had your first baby, and everyone you loved was still with you. I looked at your senior picture, and tried to imagine what you were thinking when the picture was taken. I wasn't sure. I'm sure you weren't thinking about how one day you would be a grandma, and how you would such an important role in my life. I love dreaming about you. My conscious mind is starting to intrude upon my dreams. I'm starting to be SO overly excited to see you in my dreams, and in my dream I'm trying to work out why I'm so excited. I've yet to remember all the events that have happened during my dream, except the one dream where everything that happened is all a dream. I hope that my conscious mind butts out. I don't want me dream to be ruined by what happened. I'm perfectly happy being with you in my dreams, and thinking that you are next door when I wake up. Even though the crashing crushing gut wrenching truth will hit me so hard that it knocks me down at some point, it's worth it just to feel like I've seen you. Mom, Kathy, and I are going to see Paul McCartney. I wish you were coming, or that you were here so I could see your face. You know what a big deal he is. I wish you were here so I could see your face anyway. I wish I could show you my nails for our 4th of July party. You would be excited. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Grandma, I wish you were here. Kathy is home now, Angel is having a hard time staying over at our house. A few days ago was Angel's 12th birthday. I got her two toys, and Kathy, and mom got her a toy each. She had a nice day. Today is Grayson's 4th birthday. I wish you could see him Grandma, he's getting to be such a big boy. I wish you were here. Last night I had a dream that I was going to school, and I told you, but you said "Let's not do that today". In my dreams I never know in my dreams what's actually happened. There was only one dream where I knew what had happened, but in the dream it was a dream. I wish that was true. I'm always so excited to see you in my dreams, but I never know why I'm so excited during the dream. Then when I wake up I think you are next door. I heard Kathy over there this morning, but when I first woke up I thought it was you. It takes me a long time to remember in the morning, and it still doesn't seem real. I've been writing to your friend Virginia Jones, and sending her pictures. I'm glad we are back in touch with her. I wish it were you writing to her though. I thought by now I would have somewhere else to write to you, or that I would have stopped writing, but I still need to feel like I am talking to you, and I don't have anywhere else. We are having a 4th of July party. We've never had a party on our side of the house, and we have a lot to live up to. So we got a bunch of pretty things for the party, and I'm going to clean, and decorate the house. I'm making the desserts, and we are cooking out. I wish you were here for all of this. I'm making that cake that you thought was so pretty last year. I showed it to you while we were at Brentwood. We are going to invite Ann to the party. Maybe it will be easier for her to be here if she is over on our side. Kathy's friend Steve Levine thinks that I should go see a grief counselor. Maybe I should, but what's going to happen then? He's going to teach me to not miss you as much? Sometimes it already seems like you weren't real. Sometimes it seems like you were never here, like that was a dream that I had. Sometimes I have to look at pictures just to remind me that you are real, and you were here, and it wasn't just something I would dream about. I hate this. I play back everything in my head, and wish I had more time with you. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Grandma, the water was beautiful today when I was driving home from observations. I wanted to come home, get you, and Angel, and drive to the lake. Then we could have gotten Subway. Grandma I just miss you so much. I really just want you to be here, and we could do all the things we used to. Kathy is moving home tomorrow. Today is the last day that I will sit in your house, and eat lunch while it's still your house. As of tomorrow it will be Kathy's house. Grandma my heart breaks that things will never be the same. I'm afraid that once Kathy moves here it will seem more final. Right now it seems like I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come back, but tomorrow it's going to change, and not be your house. I don't know what to do. I want to support Kathy, and let her know that I'm glad she's going to be here, but I'm afraid I'm going to loose it knowing that this won't be our place anymore. A place where I've come since I was little, a place you, and grandpa made. It's all going to change. I miss you to infinity, and back Grandma forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, May 16, 2011

Grandma, today we are celebrating AJ's birthday. Last night I had a dream that everything that happened last year was a dream, and that we were sitting in the living room, and I was telling you about it. I so wish that was the reality. I kept telling you what an awful dream that I had, and you told me not to worry. I've been cleaning the house, and trying to get things ready for when Kathy comes home, and mom, and I to actually live at our house. I wish you were here. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, May 13, 2011

Grandma, today I layed down to take a nap. In my dream I woke up, because the the door was opening, and I went over to it, and it was you, and Ann coming in from gambling. I helped you in the house, and you said "Honey I missed you, give me a hug", and I told you I missed you too, then I hugged you so tightly, and hung onto you so hard. Angel was so happy, and we made our way through the living room, and I just kept holding on to you. Then I woke up, but when I woke up I thought that you were gambling. There were weather warnings on tv, and I was worrying about when you would get home. I got really excited about seeing you, then I remembered. I so wish you had been out gambling today. I wish you had walked through the door, and I was able to hug you. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day Grandma. I wonder if this is how every holiday is going to feel. It doesn't feel like anything. It feels like there's nothing special about this day. I got mom flowers, and candy. I'm thinking of sending her flowers at work still. I'm hoping that mom is having a good day. She seems to be. I don't know what else to say. I wish you were here. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Good morning Grandma, Spring cleaning is soon. You always kept a flyer for it so we knew what we could, and couldn't take out. I'm working really hard on it this year. I have tons of stuff that I am taking out. You would be proud. I'm going to get mine, and mom's house looking great. I am going to try, and keep it up to your standard. I really wish I could show it to you though. Not at the stage it is now though. Right now it's a wreck, because I have everything out in the living room. After that though I think it's going to start looking much better. I miss you to infinity, and back forever,and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, May 2, 2011

Grandma, today I sent out a letter to your friend Virginia Jones. She did not know you were gone. I sent her pictures just like she did with us. I did them in chronological order, and wrote on the back of them. There was something that she said to mom about you being married to someone before being married to grandpa. To someone named Al. I really wish I could ask you if that was true. There are so many things that I wish I could ask you. I asked Virginia to share any stories that she remembers about you. I told her that I would love to hear them. I told her how you loved going to the lake, and how you were dressed up every single day. I sent her pictures from when we went to Seinfeld, and told her that we watched it all the time. I miss you so Grandma. I hate being here without you. Today is so nice, and I wish you were here. I wish we could go for a walk today, or go out to lunch. I bet your white caps are rolling in on the beach today. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Grandma, last night I went to another wake. One for the high school band teacher, and my English teacher's husband. It was awful being there. All I could think of is how it felt to be standing up there by the person that you love knowing that you are never going to see them again. I felt horrible for his wife. I wish I could have come home to see you. I just cried as soon as I entered the room. I think I would have been able to hold myself together more if we still had you, and I didn't really know how MUCH it hurts. I wish you were here, and I wish Ms. Derer still had her husband. I don't understand why these things have to happen, and how our lives can be changed within a second. A second that will only happen once, nut will affect the rest of our lives. A second that changes who we are, and what our futures will be. How is that possible? I miss you ton infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Grandma, Happy Easter Grandma. It didn't even seem like Easter here without you. It just seemed like another day that you weren't here. I wore your jewelery today. Your black necklace, and your pretty black bracelets. I thought today would be harder than normal, but it didn't seem like a holiday. It didn't seem like we were celebrating anything special as a family, since we don't feel like a family anymore. Not like we did with you. Grandma I miss you so much. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Grandma, I'm not sure why this week has been harder than most. I'm not sure why any of this had to happen. As I've said before I'm still waiting for you to come back, and if I could reach up, and bring you back I would do it. I haven't been sleeping well all week. I just miss you so much. I go home, and I feel like I'm being tormented. I've been trying to stay up late, and keep myself busy so that when I lay down I don't think. I don't want to think. It's too hard. It's too hard knowing you aren't going to be over here when I wake up in the morning. I'm finding other things easier to let go of now though. IThey just don't seem as important anymore. I'm making a home video with clips from our old home movies in one. It opens with me saying "hi grandma",and you saying "Hi. Hi Melanie." I've played it so many times just to hear you say that. I just want you back Grandma. I want you back here with us. I don't ever want to lose you, and I hate every second that I wasn't with you. I'm scared to death of losing mom, and Kathy. Then I will have no one. The only person that loves me, and knows me like all of you is Leif. I want you guys though. I don't ever want to give any of you up. I can't stand the thought of them not being here, of you not being here. I'm going to be all alone Grandma. I don't want to be all alone. I want us all to be a family again. Kathy got me a snow globe that says family is forever. I want all of us to be together forever though. I looked at it last night, and it crossed my mind that someday I will be looking at it without any of you. All of my family will be gone. I won't have any of you to talk to. I won't have anyone that knows stories, or jokes with me like you guys. Grandma I love you, and miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, April 15, 2011

Grandma, tomorrow marks a year from when we went, and saw Seinfeld. I can't believe this is where we ended up this year. Last year we went, and got your hair done, and I went upstairs, and brought down your outfit, and your jewelry, and your shoes. I don't see how this year I'm sitting by myself in our living room. I hate these invasive thoughts that I have about how things were last year, and how they won't be like that this year. I'm going to be putting our Easter table cloth on, and bringing down our little bunny that we put on the table with the pretty flowers. We are inviting Sue, Tim, and Amy, along with AJ, and Leif for Easter dinner. I wish you were here Grandma. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, April 8, 2011

Hi Grandma, tomorrow I start my Chicago class on Saturday. A big group of us is going. It seems like it's going to be fun. We are going to spend the day there, and go to Navy Pier, Millenium Park, The Bean, and maybe some museums. I feel like you would be excited about it. We are going to have kind of a girls day. I wish I could show you the pictures that I'm going to take. I miss you Grandma. It's almost summer time. I feel like as soon as we hit a year this whole ordeal will be over. I feel like we are just being tested for a year, and then you will come back. It's like I'm going to feel relieved after a year is over so that we can see you again. I hate being away from you. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Grandma, it's such a nice day out today. I really wish you were home. I'm on Spring Break right now for both of my schools. We could have gone to lunch. Sue, and Amy came over pizza last night, and then Amy, and I went out for a movie. Amy, and I started thinking about summer. I don't want it to be summer without you. I miss you. I hate you not being here. Kathy will be coming home soon. The house will be changing. I have to take my room upstairs apart, and that's going to become Kathy's room. You would be so happy knowing that Kathy was home. I am going to try, and dress up more. I ordered new dresses. Grandma you would think that they are so cute. I'm going to wear your jewelry with them once it gets warm enough outside to wear them. I don't understand why you can't be here. I don't understand why I can't sit here with you, and eat with you, and take pictures with you. I got a new camera from Kathy, and I can flip the screen around so that we could see ourselves so that we could make sure the picture looks nice. My profile picture is starting to look old. I hate that I'm getting older, but you are not going to see it. Oh Grandma I would do anything to get you back. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, March 18, 2011

Grandma, Yesterday was St. Patrick's day. I got stuck out in Lake Bluff, because the train doors didn't open in Lake Forest. It was really scary. Thank goodness Paul was with me. I wore green, and did green rings, and painted my nails green. I think you would have been excited to see it. Ugh, this morning Paul used one of your coffee cups for his coffee. He put in the microwave, and the sound the cup made when it hit the microwave almost made me cry. It's like anything, and everything can set me off. I didn't expect that, and I wasn't prepared. Oh Grandma I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, March 11, 2011

Grandma, it's gut wrenching. It's the most awful feeling in the world. I can feel it mentally, emotionally, and physically. It's crippling. When I didn't feel well before you would take care of me. You had me lay on the the couch, you covered me with blankets, and made me something to eat. You always took care of me when I didn't feel well. It always made me feel better. Now I am sitting here by myself feeling horrible, and even if you weren't taking care of me, if you were just here this feeling of being torn apart slowly would go away. I have so much homework to do, I'm in midterms, and finals. I can't focus on anything, because I just miss you so much. I have this great new camera, and I can turn the screen around, and face the camera towards me. I could take pictures of us. I so wish that I had more pictures of us. I want recent pictures of us. I can only put so many pictures up on my facebook of us, because I only have so many. My profile picture will eventually look old. I will eventually look different. It still drives me crazy that I'm at an age that you've never known me. I haven't seen you at all this year. This was a winter we never spent together, a summer we will never see each other. I'm dreading it. It keeps me up at night, and keeps me distracted. I want time to freeze, or to go back to when we had you. I want to go back to the day that you stepped outside. I want to stop you so that your back was never hurt, and you never had to go on medication, and you never broke your hip. Then you would have still been active, and your lungs wouldn't have filled up,and you would have kept eating, and you wouldn't have gone into kidney failure. We would still be going out to lunch, and talking, and being together. I should have just gone out that day instead of you, I'm sorry Grandma. I would do anything to change it. The lung cancer wasn't even a problem, that would have still come, but we could have dealt with that. Everything else could have been prevented had I just gone outside to wash the back door that day. You would still be here. Grandma I love you so much, and I miss you infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, March 11, 2011

Grandma, one of those waves just hit me. I was looking through my fall pictures on my laptop, and came across the picture of you sitting up in the hospital...It was just a few weeks before we lost you. I don't understand. You were fine, and everything was getting better, and we were going to bring you home. I don't understand how this could have happened, or how it could be real, or permanent. I mean this has to be something that will end. I can live the rest of my life without you. I need you. My children are going to need you. The entire family needs you. We don't have any direction without you. I wish you were here so I could tell you how beautiful you are. I think I was just so used to seeing you that I never really saw HOW beautiful you are. You are like a supermodel, or a movie star. I told Kathy when we went out to lunch with Ann that Ann is very pretty, and I had never noticed how pretty she was, because she was always next to you. You just outshine everyone. I wish you could see the morphs I made of me, and you. I look like you Grandma. I always noticed how much I looked like mom, and Kathy, but I never noticed how much I looked like you even when Ann pointed it out...Oh Grandma I wish you were here, I love you, and miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Grandma, I've noticed that Ann's garage is never opened anymore. I wonder if she opened it for you. So you two knew when you could get together. You opened the drapes, and she opened the garage. I'm so glad she moved down the street from us. It was nice for you to have a best friend just down the street, kind of like you would if you were little. I wish that you were here. It's kind of a gloomy day. I wish I could show you my new sheets that I put on last night. I wish you could see my whole bedroom. It's not that different, but I have a thing in it for jewelery now. You would like it. I really want to wear the necklace that you got me for my birthday, but I'm so afraid that something will happen to it. My National Louis classes end next week. I wish that you were here so I could spend the week with you. Like I said yesterday I miss you so much. I hate every second that I didn't spend with you. I hate all the times that I was annoyed, and didn't want to get Subway. I would get Subway every day for us if it brought you back. Sue, and Amy offered to bring Subway the other day. I couldn't eat it without you though. I saw a commercial for it, and started crying, because I thought of how you would say "Want to get subs?", and I would go around 11:40 get you a cold cut trio with everything except jalepenos, and then vinegar,oil, and mustard, and I would get a flat bread with whatever chicken special. Then remember when you used to go get it for us, and they would know what we wanted, because we got it almost every day? Then I would come home, and get the chips out, and we would watch tv while we had lunch. Then sometimes after lunch we would ride to the lake. You would be so proud of mom. She is losing weight now. She's lost over 20 pounds. That would make you so excited, she's finally making a real effort to be healthy. Then Kathy is moving home. You wanted all these things, and I don't know why it took us so long to do them. I wish you were here to see all these things. It blows my mind that you aren't here. I can't believe that you will never walk through this house again, or sit in your chair. I'll never wave to you from the window, or sit on the floor while you play with my hair. I'll never paint your nails again, or fix your lunch. I will never get feedback from you on my papers. How is this possible? I just want you to come back. I saw all of our nail polishes in the cabinet. How am I going to use our nail polishes? Everything seems so awful. Then all these stupid people call, and ask for you. I have to tell them that you aren't here. I have to convince them, and myself. I need to do my homework. I have three papers to write, and three exams to do. I can't focus though Grandma. I just want you to be here, and that's all I can think about. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Grandma, I miss you so much. I'm sitting here at your house. I'm about to go up, and take a shower. I remember when I would go up, listen to music, and then come down to sit with you. You would tell me to dry my hair better, and you would brush it. You loved brushing my hair. You are the only one that I let do that. I hate being without you. Not just here, but anywhere. I hate, and regret every second that I didn't spend with you. I don't know how to deal with it, because I don't ever want to have this feeling with anyone else, but I can't spend all my time with everyone, and I don't want to be with anyone. It just hits me in huge waves of missing you. It's constantly there, but then suddenly it hits really hard. I can almost feel it coming now, and there's nothing that I can do to stop it. It's awful, and it happens just whenever, even on the better days, and I try to push it out of my mind, but it pushes through anyway. I don't think this will ever go away, and I can hardly bare to think of the next time it will hit. I don't know how to describe it, a constant pain that sometimes hurts more. Like an open wound that doesn't heal, and just gets poked at, and burned, and pulled apart more. I just want you to be here, and I want to spend every second of my time with you. I want to drop out of school, and not be away from you ever again. It's been too long since I've seen you, and I need you to come back. I still need you here, and nothing is getting easier. It's just getting harder, and haunting me. Then I see people with their grandparents,and I'm resentful towards them. People tell me their problems, and I don't care, because none of it seems as important as you not being here. I don't see why they get their grandparents, and I don't get you. It's not fair. I love you more than they could even imagine loving their grandparents, because their grandparents are just grandparents not their friends, companion, or other parent. I know it's wrong of me, but I don't even feel bad about it. I know this isn't what you would want me to do, but I can't help it. I didn't understand before how much you could have missed Grandma Mary. I always just thought that she was in a better place, and we should find comfort in that. You lost so many people, and I never imagined that it would feel this awful. I always took comfort in God's plan is perfect. I feel like a mistake has been made, and things will be fixed as soon as we get through this. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Good morning Grandma, I wish you were here today. It's sunny, and nice. I wish you were here everyday though. It's almost time for my Spring Break. Usually we would plan to do things over my spring break. I just wish you were here, and that we were making plans to do things over my spring break, and over my summer break. I miss doing things with you, and having you here. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Grandma, this was the first morning since you've been gone that I've opened the drapes. The drapes are opened, and the sun is shining. I wish you were here to see it. Angel is in the sunshine, it would make you smile. I really need to do something with Ann, but I'm still nervous about it. I should also call Mary Jean, and Diane, and see how they are doing. It just seems like they can't exist if you don't. Like nothing can exist if you aren't here. I have to go to Chicago at 9am on Saturdays for my Spring classes. That's not as bad as going in the winter late at night, but I don't think I would have taken the class if you were here. Can you imagine if we weren't together on Saturday mornings? Today I'm going to do an observation on Garrett. I wish I could show you how big he is getting, and my little Gray. They are so big. I wish you were here with Angel when I left. I wouldn't feel so bad about leaving if you were here. I wish you were here with me before I left. I wouldn't feel so bad period. I'm trying to get a better relationship with Dennis. I know you would be proud of that as long as I'm cautious. I am being cautious. I know who is he, and what he is capable of. I know he has no idea how to be my parent. That's what you were, so it's not a role that ever had to play. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, February 25, 2011

Grandma, I went to Skokie today to sign up for my Spring term. The good news is I have a teacher that I like. The bad news is that I have to go in Saturday mornings at 9 in Chicago. I'm not real happy about that. I went to visit mom today. She paraded me around the office. I think she feels really special when I go there to see her. I know that would make you happy. I wish you were here. It's almost spring. I can't believe that I haven't seen you in such a long time. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Grandma, still having a rough time. Paul hasn't bothered to text me, and Dennis hasn't tried to contact me since yesterday. I don't know. I'm just feeling really lousy, and wish you were here. I went upstairs today just to be around your things. I don't know what to do anymore Grandma. Nothing seems right. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Grandma, today has been really hard. I went out to Save-A-Pet today to see Dennis speak. I'm trying to have a better relationship with him. I went there, and surprised him, but he didn't seem to care. He was there with his skinny girlfriend, and her daughter. He didn't pay much attention to me. It was like those gut wrenching moments in the movies where a child is lost, and years later they come back only to look into a window to see that the family has moved on, and is happy without them. Except he knew I was there. I think that he wanted to stand next to them, because they look better. They were all dressed up, make up, hair done, thin. He's all about image. As if that wasn't enough this weekend was a Ludo concert. Ashley didn't even invite me Grandma. She didn't even mention it. I don't know if she actually went, but I know she went to Chicago. She never wants to do anything with me. She doesn't invite me, and the last few times that I invited her she didn't show up. She gave maybes then never said anything, or showed up. It sucks. Then to top all of that off Paul isn't speaking to me, and I don't even know why. I'm not going to send him anything right now though, because it's made me mad, and my message was the last one sent. So it's his turn. He has made the decision not to text me. It's not like he can never talk to me again. Even if it is just to break up with me. I have his hard drive. Grandma I wish you were here. I don't feel like anyone likes me. I'm wondering if I just suck as a person. I'm feeling like crap. If you were here you would tell me that it wasn't me, and that Dennis is a dough head, Ashley can run wild if she wants, and Paul is being silly. I still wish you were here to tell me those things. I miss you Grandma. I keep thinking that once summer comes we'll get to see you again. It's starting to warm up, and all I can think of is how excited I am to see you. I had a dream the other night that I was sitting at your feet, and you were running your hands through my hair. No one else can do it like you. Grandma I love you, and miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, February 14, 2011

Grandma, lots of things made me think of you today on Valentine's Day. I really miss you. I cleaned my house today, and changed the tablecloth. It's hard to do it by myself. We always did that together. We folded them, and then changed them. I would stand on one side,and you would stand on the other, and then it was easier to determine if the sides were even, or not. Today it was just me. I had soup for lunch today. I thought about when I made that giant pot of soup that we liked. While you were in the hospital I told you that we still had some that we needed to come home, and eat. I was so sure that you would be coming home. It didn't cross my mind that you wouldn't be. I was not prepared for this at all Grandma. I'm still not prepared. I can't wrap my head around the concept of you not being here for the whole year. I hate not seeing you everyday. Today our phone was acting funny. It was saying that the line was in use even though it wasn't. When I first saw it though I thought maybe you were upstairs on the phone. So I pressed talk to see who you were talking to. Then the silence reminded me that there was no one on the other end, and that there was no one in the house with me. It was just me by myself with Angel. I passed by Wayne's tonight. Sometimes I want to walk in there just to be in there again, and to smell it. I don't think I could walk in there though. I think if I walked in I would just shatter onto the floor. There are a lot of places that I would like to go, because they remind me of you. That's the very reason that I can't go to the places though. I missed you so much over the summer even though I saw you every day I missed having you at home. I'm glad that they let us visit as long as we did at Brentwood. I'm glad we were able to have movie nights there, and I could put my head on your lap. I'm never going to get to do that again. Sometimes I sit on the floor with my head on the chair, and I close my eyes, and pretend that you are there. I pretend that I can feel your hands going through my hair. Then I open my eyes to the empty chair, and the broken part of my heart. Grandma I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day Grandma. This week has been so busy. I had all those tests that I was telling you about, and then Saturday I took the Basic Skills test. I don't think I did very well. I had to get up so early that morning, and while I was getting ready I was thinking of how if you were here you would have gotten up before me, and unlocked the house so that I could come over, then you would have made my breakfast. There were so many Valentine's Day things that I wanted to get for you. I hate that I couldn't get any of them. It's 1:37 Valentine's Day morning. Normally when I go nextdoor today I go with a card that I've made for you, and a singing card, and you have pretty little things all wrapped up for me on the table. When I go over there later today there will be nothing. I won't be bringing anything for you, and there won't be any surprises for me. I had a dream about you a few nights ago. I dreamed that I was in my Tuesday night class, and then you brought a two year old version of me to my class, and told me to take care of her. I couldn't take care of her though. She was so upset that you left, and I kept trying to tell her that you were coming back, but she wouldn't listen. She just kept screaming, and crying for you. I tried to pick her up, and hold her, but I couldn't even get a grip on her. My teacher was getting mad that I couldn't control this screaming child. I was getting mad that I couldn't control this screaming child. Then you, and Grandma Mary came to the class, and two year old me stopped screaming. I just sat in your lap while Grandma Mary played with me. That's how I have felt the past few weeks. I've just been bursting into tears having hysterical fits, because I want you. I don't know if it was all the stress, and I just wanted you here even more, or what. I haven't had a hysterical moment since Saturday (it's early Monday morning), but two year old me in my dream represented everything that I'm feeling. She was everything that's inside of me, and everything that I think. I couldn't pick me up just like I can't seem to console, or get a hold of myself. I just kept screaming, and crying for you. Only in my dream it seemed more appropriate to have a young child screaming, and crying for you instead of me now. Today when I looked outside there was sun. It's one of the first sunny nice days we've had in weeks. We got all that snow on the porch, and today we could go out without coats on, even though you would have worn your coat. It's been so cold though that you would have been in your fur coat. When I saw the sun though I thought that the days shouldn't look so pretty, or happy, because you aren't here.I just want you here. Happy Valentine's Day I love you, and miss you Grandma to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, February 7, 2011

Grandma, I have such a busy week ahead of me. I have an exam in math, two exams in science, and my basic skills test. Then I have two projects due. I wish you were to help me study. I don't know how I'm going to do all of this. It's going to take me all week to do this stuff. I'm really worried about the science stuff, because I already don't understand how to do this stuff. I know how to do the chapter things, but the test is over the labs which I can't figure out at all. I wish you were here Grandma, I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, February 7, 2011

Grandma, I'm a total wreck. I'm so freaked out about this entire week of tests ending with the Basic Skills, and it's only Monday. I've worked myself into a frenzy. Like I said earlier these past few days have been so hard. I thought things were supposed to be easier with time. Nothing has gotten easier. It just keeps getting harder. The time away from you is longer so I don't see how it's going to be easier. I can only imagine that it will become even harder when the full reality of everything hits. Right now I just miss you, and can't wrap my head around why I can't see you. I have so much homework to do, but all I want to do it talk to you. I don't even want to go to my classes. I don't want to do my homework. I still don't want to do anything. I don't even know what to say. I just want you to be here. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, February 7, 2011

Grandma, these past few days I've been having a particularly hard time without you. Shrek was on the other night. It made me think of how funny you through Shrek was, and how funny I thought it was that you thought it was so funny. I couldn't watch it though. I made Paul turn it off. I have no idea how to deal with this. I don't know where to go from here. Did you know that if I don't pass my basic skills test, I have to change my major? I was thinking about that, and I don't know if that would be so bad. I mean I want you to be there when I graduate, and I want to show you my classroom. You wanted to see it so badly. I don't know if it's that important to me anymore. I mean I have enough to just be a teachers assistant. You wouldn't want me to do that, but I'm just not motivated to do things without you. I have so much to do today, and this week. I don't want to do any of it. I just want to sit at your house with Angel, and wait for you. This is not at all what I thought life would be. I never thought I would be without you. I never thought the friends that I have now would be the friends that I would count on. My own versions of misfits, and now I'm counting on them to keep me sane. The friends that I thought I would be able to count on are off doing God knows what, and we don't talk anymore. Can you believe that? Grandma I wish you were here to talk to. I wish I could ask you questions about things. When I look through the family videos, and at old pictures it's like I'm trying to get to know someone that I didn't know. I wish I could ask you about how things were before I was born. Before mom, and Kathy were born. How you used to be before you took care of all of us. I know some of it from your stories, but I wish I knew more. Grandma I love you, and miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, February 4, 2011

Grandma, I so wish you were here. I'm a total wreck without you. I hate not having you here, and I hate the constant feeling that I have when you aren't here. I have all summer off this year. Remember how much fun summers were? I'm old enough now that we could go gambling together. I could drive us up to Oneida, and we could stay the night there. I could play the playlist on my iPod that I made for you with the songs that you like, and then we could wake up in the morning, and go downstairs, and hear the birds singing. We could go out to eat, we could go to the casino. We could rent movies at night. Mom could stay with Angel, and we could buy them something, and bring it back. We could sing the whole way home. I just want you here. I want you back. I want to go see things with you at the movie theater, and the Genesee. I want us to go out to lunch, and I want to just sit here with you, and be with you. I miss you so much that it drive me crazy. It makes me crazy, and I feel like I'm going to break. There's a whole part of my life that's missing. A part that will never be filled again. I don't know how to be me. I'm trying to occupy myself, but it's only a temporary relief. Then I remember that I'm not who I was. I don't know how to be that person anymore. I don't feel like things are going to be ok. Grandma I love you, and I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Grandma I miss you so much. We had so much snow today. It took me 40 minutes just to get across to your side. If you were here I wouldn't have slept at my house I don't think. I'm pretty sure I would have stayed the night at your house. You were always so excited when I spent the night at your house. The snow was up to my chest when I got on our deck. I had to shovel just to stand on our porch. I really wish you were here. I can just imagine your face to our snow. Angel was a trooper, I made her a little path. You would have laughed, we went outside to try, and get the mail, and we were standing on top of a pile of snow that didn't budge. I had to bend to try and reach the mailbox. I know you were worried that our driveways wouldn't be plowed, but Blue's dad plowed it for us, and he even tried to put our mail boxes back together. Ugh I so wish you were here Grandma, I love you, and miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Grandma I miss you so much. I feel like everyday that you aren't here it's slowly killing me. I would give anything just to have you back here. We could spend my snow day together, we could have soups, sandwiches, and chips. I was just trying to organize pictures on my laptop, and it amazes me that just this past summer we were spending time together. We were going outside for walks with Angel, and making plans to go home. Then in April we had gone to see Seinfeld. It was a perfect night, and I so wish we had a million more of them. I was counting on having you for a lifetime. I never wanted to be without you, ever. I just don't know how to be without you. I was looking in the bathroom, and thinking that your stuff is in there, and how you were in there just a little while ago, and how is it possible that you will never be here in our house again? I wish that people never had to die. I wish that if there bodies wore out that their spirits could still be with us until God returns, and we are all together again. I don't understand why until then we all have to be separated. As you know my dresser is broken, and so I'm going to get the one that's in my room at your house. We will have to find somewhere to put our Christmas things. Maybe in the closet, now that mom has cleaned it out on her side. Of course your bedroom set is my favorite. It's always been my favorite, but I don;t want to change you room. I'd love to keep your room the same forever, but I don't think that will be possible. I can't believe that this isn't just a short term thing that we just have to get through. I keep thinking that it is. I can't believe that in 5 years from now I won't have seen you, and none of this will have changed. I just want you to come back Grandma, I love you, and miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Grandma, my class for tonight was canceled. I'm so excited about it. Now I can stay home, and work on homework. You were always so excited when I had a snow day. You were the one who would watch for it on the news. I really wanted to come over, and see you this morning. Last night I had a dream that I had this little boy, and I couldn't wait for you to meet him, and then in my dream everyone kept asking me if I was sad, and I couldn't figure out why. It was like my subconscious was trying to tell me something that I didn't want to here. It seemed like it took me forever to figure out why I should be sad. That's what's funny about dreams. Things can be so weird, and so obviously not true, and you don't notice that it's out of the ordinary until after the dream is over. I remember thinking they were crazy, and that you weren't gone. I thought that you being gone was the dream, and my dream was the reality. I wish that's how it was. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, January 31, 2011

Grandma, we are supposed to have a huge snow storm tomorrow. Anywhere from 18-20inches. I'm also supposed to go to Chicago tomorrow night. I'm really scared of going. I'm hoping that my class will be canceled. I can't miss a class, because then it will be a full grade deduction. You would never let me go if we were supposed to have weather like that. Then again you wouldn't let me go to Chicago by myself. Luckily tomorrow night Leif is coming with me. Then Thursday Jessica is going to come with me. I wish you were here Grandma. I have soup that I could make for us. On HSN yesterday they had this little plate that had a soup holder, and then space for a sandwich. That would have been so perfect for you. I thought about how excited you would have been to have that, and to have Ann over. I feel like I should call Ann, and do something with her. I'm just afraid that I'll break down while I'm with her. Seeing her makes me miss you even more than I already do if that's even possible. It makes me feel like we are going to see you, and it reminds me that she is a grandma, and her grandkids still have her. I don't want to make Ann sad by crying infront of her. I know that she misses you too. You were her best friend, and I think sometimes she's just as lost as we are without you. I want you to come back, I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Grandma, I'm in way over my head with my classes this quarter. It's awful. I don't understand how to do it at all. I'm in classes that I don't feel like I am qualified for. I wish you were here. Mom wants us to start living next door before Kathy moves here, but I don't want to live next door yet. These are my last few months of being able to be here at your house while it's still ours. I don't want to go next door, because I'm never going to be able to sit over at our house like this again. I've been having a hard time in the grocery stores. Every time I'm there I think of you, and then feel like I am going to lose it. I saw a singing Valentine's Day card last weekend that I wanted to get you. I still have the bags from V-day presents that you got me. My favorite one is one that says All My Love Went Into This. Just like everything that you did. Then I saw a little girl in the store with her grandma, and it made me think of being the store with you. Then it made me mad that she gets to still have her grandma, it makes me mad that Anthony, Drew, and Casie still have their grandma, and they had Nanny so long, their great-grandma. Can you imagine what it would have been like if we still had Grandma-Mary? Why did they get to keep their grandmas? I would have done anything to keep you. If I could I would go back, and change whatever needed to be changed just so I could keep you. My circle of friends still hasn't gone back to normal, and it doesn't appear that it ever will. Leif, and AJ are still the ones I want to be around. They are part of the family, and they loved you, and they understand how much you mean to me. Everyone else is still making me mad, because they aren't part of it. I've actually become very close to Jess. She's turned out to be a really good friend. I want you though. I want you to come back, I still need you, and don't know how to be without you. I don't want to even try to figure it out. I love you Grandma, I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Grandma, tonight is going to be my first night going to Chicago by myself, I'm so scared I could scream. It terrifies me, and mom doesn't care. She's mad at me about everything, and has called me twice it seems like for the sole purpose of yelling at me. I'm stressed, and I'm scared, and I don't want to go. If you were here you would never let me go to Chicago by myself especially not at the time of night that I'll be going. You would be here to make sure that I was safe. I wish you were here Grandma, I miss you to to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Grandma, I got an e-mail today saying that I got honor roll for Fall 2010. Can you believe that? I always printed those out for you. I wish I could show it to you. I can't even believe I passed my courses with all that happened. I did most of my homework, and papers sitting next to you. I would do it that way this semester if that meant seeing you. I would wait until 3 in the morning to do things if I could just sit, and talk with you again. This is the first honor roll certificate that I haven't gotten to show you, and the last one that I will receive that I earned with you. I remember printing the last one off, and showing it to you after I printed it out. Ann was over, and you were so excited for me, and for her to see that I had gotten it. You told me to go put it upstairs with the others in the frame. You always told me to save all of my things. I'm going to have to find a space for all of my things, and all of your things you had about me when Kathy moves here. Mom will probably want to just throw them out. No one treasures me like you. You got excited about everything that I did, and accomplished. I did them for you. I loved coming home, and showing you that I got a good grade, or I got an award, or a teacher said something nice about me. I wish that I had made the home videos into DVDs sooner. I wish that I could show them to you on my big computer screen. I wish you could see the pictures that I created from them, and I wish I could pause it, and show you your dad. I wish things were normal again. I feel like I'm still on pause waiting for you to come back, and waiting for things to go back to normal. I have to force myself to see people, and to talk to them. I just want to sit at our house by myself with no contact. I want to soak in everything that's there before it changes. I want to think that it's not going to change, because you wouldn't want it to. I want to sit down, and watch our shows with you. I haven't been able to watch them though. I thought about trying to watch Everybody Loves Raymond yesterday, but I couldn't. I couldn't even get to the opening. As soon as they said that it was next I had to change it. That was something that was ours, and I'm not ready to have it without you. I remember the parts that you laughed at, and the parts we made fun of. I can't watch our shows without you. I've found other shows that I don't really care for, but have on just to avoid our shows. I feel like I'll watch our shows when you come home. I need you to come back. I'm broken into an infinite amount of pieces without you. I feel like someone made an incision, stabbed me, and pulled part of me out. It hurts emotionally, it hurts mentally, and it hurts physically not to have you here. It's a constant pain that doesn't go away except in the seconds that I think that I am going to see you, or talk to you. Then the cut is just reopened, and punctured again. The piece of me that I was slowly getting back is again mutilated and ripped away from me. Sometimes I even try to trick myself into believing that you are here. Awhile ago at Kmart I actually talked to someone about you like you were just sitting at home waiting for me, worried that I hadn't gotten back yet, and there was snow on the ground. It almost helped. I could talk to this person, and make her believe that I had you at home, and you were waiting for me to call, and you didn't want me out. I could play this role for awhile. Not long enough to fully trick myself. Not long enough to put myself back together. Just long enough to remember what it felt like to have you waiting at home for me. To have someone besides Angel that couldn't wait until I got home. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Grandma, I'm making pictures out of the old movies. I wish that I could show them to you. Everyone thinks that we look so much alike. I wish that you could hear that, and that I could tell you that, that makes me feel prettier. Ann told you that I looked like you. I miss you. We sang Amazing Grace today in church. Since Dave sang it, it made me think of you. I was just looking at my album from Seinfeld. I was looking at how beautiful you look, and how much fun we had. We had no idea that in just a few months we would never dress up, and go out together again. We would never watch another episode of Seinfeld, and we would never go back to the Genesee. We were so blissfully unaware of everything that was going to blind side us, knock us off of our feet, and take our grounding away forever. We just didn't know. I've started watching Dexter. I think that you would really like it. I think that you would be able to solve all of the mysteries, and like the thrill of it. I hate all of this, and I hate that to some people you being gone is over. They don't understand that as much as you aren't present, it is present. It's there starring me in the face everyday. Taunting me, begging me to grab hold of you, and pull you back, throwing it in my face that I can't, and whispering in my ear that this will be the rest of my life. I feel the total possibility of going crazy. I feel like at any second I could just lose my mind, and never return. Not only am I trying to hold on you, but I'm trying to hold onto me, and my sanity. You are my sanity, and my motivation. It's like is blowing in the wind, and sometimes I can catch it, but then I remember, and a huge gust comes and rips it away from me again. I feel like staying inside all the time where the house is my world. I don't need to talk to anyone, see them, or think about them. I could easily just slip into nothing, a faded space where maybe I could catch a more real glimpse of you. Sometimes right after I wake up, when I'm not really awake, or just before I fall asleep I think that I hear you. I look for you, and try to figure out what's going on. Then I have to relive everything all over again. Having those few seconds where things are normal again is worth the rest of the day having to try to pull myself together, and cope with reality. I was looking at mom, and Kathy's baby videos. You looked so happy. You had your new babies, your little blond haired, blue eyed girls, your husband, your mother, your sisters, and all the energy you needed. I never knew you at that time. I was walking through our kitchen, and thinking about how you walked through the same kitchen, and decided with Grandpa that you would buy this house. Then you watched your kids play in the yard, and then you watched me play in the yard. I wish I could go back, and spend more time with you. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Grandma, I was just making gluten free cupcakes. I was standing in the kitchen over by the stove where we always made things. I really miss you just like every day. This week I started school, but Paul came with my to Chicago. I'm so scared to go by myself that I could cry. I hate that I have to go there at night in the middle of winter. I know that you would never let me go. Things that you wanted are finally happening. I wish that you could be here to see them. Kathy is moving home, mom cleaned out the closet, mom is planning on loosing weight. She ordered nutrisystem. You would be so excited about all these things. Nothing seems worth doing without you though. I hate the constant feeling that I have. Like you are going to disappear if I don't fight to keep you, or you are going to have never existed if you don't come back. I feel like nothing in my life is going to be exciting or worth it, because you aren't here. I need you back Grandma. I miss you to infinity, and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, January 10, 2011

Grandma, I'm at your house alone today. Today's the first day that no one has been here since Kathy left. I went up to your room today. It's a wreck. I hate it being like that. I tried to put some of the things back in their place. I ended up just breaking down and crying hysterically. This was not as productive as I hoped it would be. I dusted the living room furniture just like you would. It took much less time than normal, because none of our pictures, or flowers, or any little do-dads are up. I haven't put any of our things back, because I'm not sure what Kathy actually wants up. I think a lot of your things are too pretty for Kathy. I don't think she likes the really girlie looking things. I won't throw them away though. You told me to NEVER throw away your lamps. I love the ballerina lamps, and I will never throw them away. Kathy is going to take over my room when she gets back. So I think the spare bedroom is going to be where the twin beds go. I'm not sure. I'm hoping to get a dresser from somewhere. Your dresser, bed, and vanity set are my favorite. I like the wood, and the look of all them. They don't match my bed though, but they match yours. All of that won't fit in my bedroom though. The dressers in my old bedroom would match my bedroom set now. I just want both houses to be clean and look nice. I don't know what we are going to do about the babies. Angel and Stella are used to being at certain houses. Mom doesn't want any of Stella's things next door, because it makes the house look messy. Angel freaks out being next door though. She wants to be at your house. Your house is going to change though, and not look like your house anymore. It'll look like Kathy's house. I needed to be around your things today. Like I said last night it was starting to seem like you weren't real. I hate that to my children you will just be a story. How is it possible that I really won't see you this year? I keep waiting. I found a sign in your drawer that I made when you went to Mississippi. It said We Missed You Love, Melanie. I was thinking about making you another one for when you came back. I have thoughts like that all the time. I'll think of something that I want to ask you, and then I get sad, and then it's like within seconds I forget again, and I think "Well duh just ask her, she'll tell you." I want you back, I miss you to infinity and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, January 10, 2011

Grandma, It finally happened. We cleaned out the closet in my room at your house. You were right it was PACKED full of moms clothes. I found some old pictures in there that I'd never seen before, I'm pretty excited about them. I could smell you from the clothes on the other side. I wanted to just fall into them and bury myself. I was looking at pictures of you today, and it's weird. It feels like it was so long ago when we had you. It almost feels like we never did have you. Like that whole part of my life was just a dream. Spending the days with my Grandma, going to lunch with her, going grocery shopping, sitting on the floor by her chair...Today all of those things seemed far away. You seemed far away like I couldn't reach out and get you. I hated that feeling. I'm looking at a picture of you that I have on my computer desk. It seems hard to believe that that's just a frozen moment that I had with you. I took it when we went out for your birthday. You look perfect in it, and tonight I keep looking at it to remind myself that you weren't made up in my mind. I showed you that website where you can morph pictures together to get a baby. Well I morphed us together just putting one picture on top of the other, and we just look the same. I wish I could show it you. There are certain parts of the picture where you can specifically see one of us more. Putting on pictures together when you can see me more makes me look more beautiful. Your features make the picture stunning. I wish I looked more like you. I found a great picture of you, Nanny, and Grandma Mary you would love it. Also a really nice one of you, and Kathy. You look really tall in it. I was going to spend the night at your house tonight. Angel will miss me in the morning though so I think I'll wait until maybe tomorrow night. I could play our home movies on my lap top while I fall asleep. I miss hearing your voice, and wish I could have gotten more videos of you. I wish I could have gotten more of everything of you, videos, pictures, stories, memories, time. I want it all. I just want you to come back. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie posted a condolence

Monday, January 3, 2011

Grandma, I'm in the middle of taking down the Christmas tree. It's so sad. This was the last time that the house would look like it's always looked for Christmas. I don't know what to bring down from your room for stuff that's usually down here. Kathy will be bringing her things in next month, and I don't know what I should bring down. All of the things that I took up were your pretty things. I hate this, everything is so confusing,and at any given point there's a risk of crumbling into a thousand pieces. I'm reluctant to take the decorations down even though you would have wanted them down by now. I have all the ornaments off. I don't know how we will do next Christmas. I don't know how we will do anything. I wish that I had your strength, and I'm trying really hard to find it I just haven't done it yet. I wish you were here to keep the peace, and to take control of everything. We don't know what we are doing. We are lost without you, and at each other's throats. Kathy leaves Thursday, and then it'll be just me here during the day. I don't know how to be here without you.I miss you Grandma to infinity and back forever, and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Grandma, it's officially 2011, and this is a year that you haven't known me, and I haven't known you. It's only been a few hours, but it's an awful feeling. I can't believe that you weren't here to celebrate with us. I am thinking of creating a blog that is kind of dedicated to you, because I'm not really sure how long this will stay up here, but I think it helps to write to you. Kathy is leaving on Thursday, and I keep thinking that when she leaves you and I should go to lunch...I don't think that's going to happen though no matter how much I want it to. I dream about you all the time, and I don't know what to think. I'd love to believe that God would let you visit me in my dreams, but the Bible doesn't say anything about that. I don't understand why you wouldn't be able to though. I don't know, the whole thing kind of confuses me. I know I feel better after dreaming about you. It feels like I have seen you, and that always makes me feel better. It's been way too long since I've seen you, and had lunch with you, and watched our tv shows with you, and taken a picture with you, and laughed with you. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Friday, December 31, 2010

Grandma, today is New Years Eve. I wish you were here to have Chinese food with us, and watch the ball drop. We were talking this morning about your stories. I wish you could be here to tell me your stories. You told me that you still had so many to tell me. I hate that we won't have any pictures of you this year. I hate that this year is ending, and this was the last year where we would do things together, get pictures, have a meal, and talk. As soon as next year starts it starts a year where we haven't been together. That's so scary to me. How can there be a year where we aren't together? It just doesn't make sense to me, and I hate the very thought of it. I still believe that once we get through this and you come home things will be so much better. I have such mixed feelings about that day at Brentwood when Kathy was in her meeting, and you, me, and Angel went outside. We had such a great talk, you were so with it, and I remember thinking that I should record it to show mom and Kathy. Now I wish I had just, because it was so wonderful. We talked about going to Styles, and the Lake. We talked about when I was little and all the things we would do. I told you what we could do when you came home, and I told you that we could stop by the juice bar on the way home. You were excited about it, but then we couldn't, because we had Angel with us. At the same time though I think I would have been so focused on recording it, and making sure everything was ok that it wouldn't have been as perfect as it was. So I'm afraid for the New Year to come in, because some part of me knows it will be a New Year without you, and a new beginning. I'll be going to Chicago for school twice a week, and I'm so scared that I could cry, and Kathy will be going back to California for at least a month. I don't know how to be here without you. I'm afraid that it will seem more real once Kathy isn't here. Once it seems like it has ended and she is going home. Right now it seems like we are still waiting and that is why she's here. She's going to leave though, and when she comes back the house will change. I'm going to take pictures and videos of the house so I always remember how the house I grew up in looked just as you had it. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Grandma, the party went great today. Other than a few things that we were behind on. EVERYONE LOVED the cheese ball, and the fruit drop cookies. I also made Grandma Mary's Christmas Jello Salad. They loved that, and it turned out great. I so wish you could have been here. We had a lot of people come, and Mary Jean eve stopped by. She went home with a bag of things. There was barely anything left of the cheese ball at the end of the party. So I'm sitting in my room at your house it is exactly 11pm and it's Christmas Eve. I so wish that when I woke up in the morning I could come by your room and get you. I'm really sad that this is the last time I will ever sleep in my room over here at your house on Christmas Eve. I've taken pictures of where everything is this year since it probably won't be the same next year. I'm really looking forward to giving mom and Kathy their gifts tomorrow. Angel was very happy to see Ann, and Leif. Leif even bought her a toy to unwrap. You would be happy to know that Mark called, he is very in love with Janice. He said he wishes he could be here. We came across the fishing rod that you bought him. That was nice of you Grandma, you are so cool. I'm going to try to go to bed now. I always look forward to the dream that I have every Christmas Eve that I've had since I was a little kid, but I would rather have a dream with you in it this year. I dream about you every night, and I think that really helps. That way I feel like I've seen you. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas Grandma! So we made it through Christmas day, but not as smoothly as you would have. I really wish you could see the blankets that I got mom and Kathy. I wish I would have thought of them sooner, and I could have made one for you. I think you would have really liked it. Angel is very tired from entertaining yesterday. She was very cute. So tonight we are just hanging around the house. AJ still needs to come over so that we can give her, her presents. Really wish that you could have been here running the show Grandma. We were kind of lost, but we somehow did it. We made the Jello Salad, and I wish that you could have been here. All of our things are in fours. I went down and got our gold Christmas cups this morning. I took one out for you to put coffee in. I didn't want my hot chocolate, because you weren't making it. We didn't watch our movies like we normally do. I guess it's ok. They wouldn't be as much fun to watch without you. I really liked watching you react, and watching you laugh at them. I hate to lose the tradition, but my heart just isn't in it this year. I keep thinking that I will see you later today, because it's Christmas. I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Grandma- It's a few days away from Christmas :-(. I keep thinking of things that I could get you that you would be excited about. I really wish you could see what I got mom and Kathy. You would love it. This Christmas Eve will be there very last time in my life that I sleep in my room at your house on Christmas Eve. It kind of breaks my heart. I love sleeping there on Christmas Eve, but next Christmas it will be different. I wish I could sleep there every Christmas Eve for my entire life, and walk past your room and wake you up. Then wait for you to come down the stairs. I love doing Christmas at your house. I don't know how we are going to do it this year. Nothing is the same. We are having the party on Friday, and I want it to be perfect, because your parties were perfect. You would be excited to know that I made six cheese balls, and mom took them into work, and her employees LOVED them. Everyone had talked about how good they were, and everyone wanted to taste them. After Christmas passes I have to start school again. I have to take a train into Chicago at night. I'm so scared that I could cry. I know you would never let me do that especially in the middle of winter. You didn't even like me going to Skokie, or even Lake Zurich. I'll have no one to call to tell them that I am there safe. This year has brought a lot of lasts for me. This was the last time that I will decorate your house on Thanksgiving just as I always have, the last year that I will sleep in my room, in my bed at your house on Christmas Eve, the last year that Angel will be over at your house everyday, and most of all the last year that you and I will do things together. I never imagined that the day we went to the lake together for lunch would be our last time at the lake together. Then remember we went to It's All Good? We both got the tomato basil spinach wrap? I was so excited to go there with you. I miss you so much, and I keep thinking that once this is over it'll get easier. Once you come home things won't be so hard. Tomorrow I'm going to have to take your clothes up to your closet. We've left them hanging on the door to the basement which you wouldn't like, but I haven't wanted to move them. Mom said it's like a constant sad reminder, but those were some of your favorite tops, and they were there where you left them. I hate to move anything from where you left it. I'm terrified for your house to change. You didn't like changing things, and you liked to keep all of Grandma Mary's things the same, and in the places that they were. I can only assume you would want the same for your things. I just want you back. I need you here. Angel misses you too, every morning she looks for you. It's so sad. I don't know if she understands. I don't know if I understand... I miss you to infinity and back forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Grandma- Tonight Kathy and I made Cheese Balls. I've never made them without you, and I was worried that we would do something wrong. I think they turned out really well though. I think you would be proud of them. So I've written a semi short story. I had to write the first chapter of a young adult novel for my Children's Lit. class. My teacher liked it so much she told me that I should write it and get it published. I really wanted to tell you about it. You would have been so excited. Our Christmas party is Friday. We are inviting Ann, and Mary Jean to it. Kathy, and I are making both of them cheese balls. I'm going to make sure the house looks like it should, and meets your standards, and I'm going to do my best to throw a party that would be acceptable to you. Victory had a memorial service last Wednesday for all who were lost. Kathy, and I went and lit candles for you. I didn't feel like we were doing it, because you aren't here though. It was kind of a weird feeling. Not weirder than the man who led the service though. Grandma I could just see your face when he started talking. You would have thought it was funny. I really wish that I could just call, and talk to you. When we were getting ready to go to Victory I got really excited for a second, and couldn't wait to see you. I wanted to show you the new blue wrapping paper that we got for under the tree. Today I went downstairs though, and got some of our old wrapping paper, and I can see that it is much prettier. We were in the Dollar Store yesterday. I remember going there with you all the time. We would go, and we would get Mondo, and candy, and paper plates, plastic cups, sometimes party things. We got a lot of decorations there. It made me really sad to go in there without you. I had a dream the other night that we were on a cruise and you got to sit next to Seinfeld. You were so excited, and I was so excited for you. I dream about you every night still. I found such a beautiful picture of you and I so wish that I could show it to you. All of your pictures are beautiful, but you are just glowing in this one. I have it on my computer desk in the frame that Sue Lowe got me last Christmas/for my birthday. You thought it was such a pretty frame. Oh Grandma...I miss you today, and everyday forever and always. I miss you to infinity and back.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Grandma It's 11:20pm the night before my birthday. I can't sleep, and I hate knowing that you will not be the first one to wish my Happy Birthday. I hate knowing that this is the last night that I will be an age that you knew me at. In 40 minutes I won't be an age that you've known me at, and that kind of breaks my heart. How could I be anything that you haven't known me to be? How am I going to go all through the year without you? How am I eventually going to have to think back, and think that I haven't seen you since I was 21? I hate this, I hate every part of it. I just want you back, and I want you here tomorrow. Everyone else got you for their birthdays this year, but we didn't get to spend your birthday together, and we aren't going to be able to spend my birthday together. I don't want to move away from anything that I had when I was with you. Not this age, not anything. My pink toe nail polish is almost gone. I don't want it to go away, and I don't want to repaint it. I painted my toes one day when we were sitting at home during the summer. I wanted to show you the pink nail polish that I got. Then I painted your nails. I don't want that to go away. Then my tan on my left arm is almost gone from driving out to Brentwood everyday to see you. I don't even want to cut my hair. I keep thinking that I want everything to be the same for when you come back home. I don't know my mind is fooling itself to think you are, but I'm going to let it because otherwise I might not make it. I wish my birthday wasn't creeping up, but it is. I would give anything to have you here.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Grandma- I had a wonderful birthday. It was so much fun. We went to a Japanese steak house, and they put on a really good show. I even flipped a cup of rice without dropping it. I wore your jewelry tonight, and it smelled like you, it was nice. I really wish I could show you the picture and the video. You would have loved our waiter he really did put on a show. I wish we could have gone there with you. Kathy decorated the kitchen in a Pine Valley theme. I wish I could show it to you, you would have loved it, and Sue bought me a Seinfeld trivia game. We could have played it together. Mom and Kathy worked really hard today to try and make it a good day, and not a hard one. I'm glad I got to wear your jewelry and I'm glad we went somewhere different. I wouldn't have been able to handle anywhere that reminded me of you. I really missed you today and everyday forever and always.

M

Melanie Williams posted a condolence

Monday, December 6, 2010

Grandma, I will eventually find another place to write my thoughts to you. Psychologist say that sometimes when someone is gone, or when you cannot speak to someone that you should write out what you would say anyway and that it helps. This weekend Paul and I were looking for somewhere to eat. We got lost and had to turn around. Unfortunately we turned around right by all the doctors offices. It was awful, and of course I broke down crying hysterically. I had a dream the other night that I found a birthday card from you on my computer desk. It had a penguin, a polar bear, and a snowman on it. You were always the first one to wish me happy birthday. I'm dreading my birthday this year, and don't even want to attend it. My friends seem to have forgotten it, and no one has planned anything. I guess I went off of their radar this summer, because we weren't home. I don't regret it though. I would have rather been with you, and I would still rather be with you. I would trade all of them in if that meant that I could have you back. You were my best friend. You were the one that I told everything to and spent the most time with. You were always there to give me advice and would protect me no matter what. Like I said I wish I didn't have to have my birthday. Mom and Kathy want to know what I want to do, but I don't even want to think about it. They want to know what I want, but I want you. What do I want to do? I want to go out to dinner with you. I want to walk next door like I've done on all my birthdays and have you wish me happy birthday and greet me with the singing hamster. That isn't going to happen though, so I don't want anything. I don't want to celebrate it, and I wish I could just lock myself in my room that day and just wait for it to pass. I don't want to have it without you. We are having a Christmas party this year, and we are inviting our usual people. I'm going to try and make it amazing, because you always threw such amazing parties. Everyone always felt so welcome and everything looked so nice. I'm also dreading Christmas... I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I hate everyone and I'm mad at people all the time. I'm mad at people for not being there when you were in the hospital, I'm mad at them for not being there for me, and not being there for you. I'm mad at them for not understanding, because they don't have someone like you in their lives. I'm mad that they just don't get it, and that they don't think about it. I'm mad at other people for not being part of our lives. I'm mad at them for not being enough of a part of our world even if it wasn't their fault. The only friends that I feel like understand, and were part of our world are Leif and AJ, and then of course Sue and Amy, and some of moms friends. Mom and Kathy's friends are more sympathetic. They understand more, or at least care more. I guess my friends don't know what to do, and that also makes me mad even though it shouldn't.I feel like I am crazy, and that I could break into millions of pieces at any given second. That is not the kind of person you raised. I should be stronger, and every now and then I feel like I'm doing really well since I do get up in the morning, and I am going to school. Even those things don't seem worth it. I want to just curl up into a little ball of nothing and stay there, and not do anything...But then where would you be? Where would everything that you have taught me be? I need to get up in the morning for you just as I did before. I need to go to school for you just like I did before. I wanted to impress you, and I wanted you to be proud of me. Now I need to do it to honor you. Everything else I'm hoping will fall into place. I'm not ready to let it though. I don't want to change anything ,because you don't like change and I keep thinking that once you come home you will be upset if we have changed anything. Part of me thinks that those times where I forget that everything has happened and plan on you coming home is what keeps me going. I found an outfit a JC Penny. It took everything in me not to buy it for you. It was a blue that would have brought your eyes out even more than usual, and it was a little sweat outfit. It was really soft, and would have been warm for our what we would call "lazy days" at home. Even though they weren't lazy. You were never lazy. I'm hoping to find a different spot to write to you soon even if it is just for me. Right now though this seems to be the spot that makes the most sense. An entire page dedicated to you under a spot that it titled "Thinking of you" which I am always doing Grandma. I'm always thinking of you, and I will always be thinking of you. I miss you more than I can even put into words. There are so many times during the day where I try to push thoughts out of my mind, because I can't function. I feel like with one blow of the wind I will break. I don't want to push thoughts of you out of my mind, and it's like this ongoing battle with myself. Do I allow myself to think about you and then just crumble, or do I push it out of my head knowing that I can't do it and then feel bad for trying? One of the more unhealthier of the things I have done is I ran into this lady at K-mart. She was older, and seemed lonely. She wanted someone to talk to. She told me that she made doll dresses. I started talking about you, but I talked about you like you were at home. It actually made me feel better. That night I had a dream about you and grandma Mary making doll outfits. I wish I was still in that dream. All I want to do is sleep in hopes of dreaming about you. I dream about you all the time and that makes me not want to wake up. I wish I could sleep later, or go to bed earlier. I want to stay in those dreams as long as possible, but my internal clock tells me to wake up and get going, which is exactly what you wanted. So Grandma I wake up and get going as much as I can. I don't have the get up and go like I did before. It's a struggle to even go down the stairs. I will not stop fighting though, because you never did and you wouldn't want me to. I want to be as much like you as I possibly can and I hope that eventually means I will find my strength. I thought I had strength, but it was strength through you that I had. Now I need to find the strength you taught me to have that I never needed to use, because I had you.

M

Melanie posted a condolence

Monday, November 29, 2010

Grandma- I have no idea where else to write this except in a book of tributes to you. My heart is still breaking knowing that you are not here, and Thanksgiving was hard. I had a dream last night that you were in, and when I woke up I couldn't wait to come next door and tell you. It took me until the bottom of the stairs to realize that when I walked into your house you wouldn't be there for me to tell. I don't understand how you not being here can consume my every thought, and yet there are times when I totally forget. I don't remember that any of it ever happened, and something so routine like reading you a paper, telling you what my teacher said, laughing about a silly dream I had about us come into my thoughts and all of the bad disappears. It goes away just for a moment, and I think about how I can't wait to see you, and I can't wait to tell you my dream, or what my teachers said, or what I found at the store that you might like. Of course then it all comes crashing down and I remember everything that has happened. I remember how nothing is the same, and it never will be. In most ways it still hasn't hit me as much as I think it could. I go through most of the day thinking "once we get through this and she comes home it won't be so hard." I still expect to see you, and expect you to come home. I feel like this is just another period of time that we have to get through and then things will be fine. Kind of like when you broke your hip, and we just needed to get through that and everything would be fine after. There have only been a few times where it's hit me that everything isn't going to be fine. I have to stay away from those moments though, because I can't take it. Angel looks for you every morning when we come over. I think she is still waiting for you to come home too. We are lost without you and I so wish things were different...

T

Tanya McBride Churchill posted a condolence

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Kathy, I feel your pain and wish I could take from you. The loss of a parent is immeasurable. I pray you find peace and comfort in your memories. I have so many wonderful memories of being at your home back in junior high. Seems like one summer I just about lived there, and your parents are a part of all of those memories. The memories I have are so few compared to all the thousands that you have. I hope one day all your memories will bring comfort. Love to you and your family. Tanya

R

Ramon E. Amaya posted a condolence

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dear Pat, My deepest condolence to you and your family to such irreparable loss. May the Lord Jesus bring peace and embrace you with His love during this grief. Although no words can possibly help to ease the loss you bear please know that you are in every thought and prayer. Ramon Enrique Amaya

e

elena ramirez posted a condolence

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Pat, I am sorry for your loss, my prayers are with you. Elena

g

gloria clemente posted a condolence

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dear Pat, A life well spent is your consolation now. you will not see her physical presence but her spirit will remain with you eternally. Condolence. Sincerely, Gloria

M

Margarita Santiago posted a condolence

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dear Pat and Family, Please accept my sincere, deep condolences on the loss of your mother. Although no words can really help to ease your pain, just know that you are very close in my thoughts and prayers. May god be with you in this time of sorrow. Sincerely Margarita,

P

Patti Chezek - Securitas posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

My Dear Kathy, Pat and Melanie - My heart is broken for you. This is such a hard and painful milestone in our lives. Know my arms are around each of you in a big hug. Be comforted in the knowledge your mom and grandmother is in a more beautiful and comfortable place, with no worries, cares or pain. Remember she will always be with you. With love to all - Patti

K

Karina Barrios posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Pat I'm sorry for your loss, my prayers for you and family... "For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit" colossians 2:5

K

Katina Kouris posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dearest Pat & family, My sincerest thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of mourning. God Bless you and stay strong. My Sympathies, Katina Kouris

A

Angela Jackson posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dear Pat and Family, My deepest condolence to you all for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and may God and his Angel's surround you at this time. Praying for you always, Angela

G

Gina Stone posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dear Pat and family, I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you in this time of sorrow. God Bless You All!

J

Juliet Luna posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dearest Pat, Our prayers and deepest sympathy goes out to you and your family on this difficult moment. Sometimes we cannot fathom what life has to offer but one thing for sure is that fond memories and the legacy of your Mom's great love and inspiration will forever be embedded in your heart and those whom she has touched even in the simplest way. God bless, Juliet

I

Izabella Worwag posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dear Pat and Family, Please, receive my deepest condolences. I know your pain, My prayers to your Mother and to you, Izabella Amen. Om.

V

Valerie Aguado posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Pat, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. My you have the peace in your heart knowing that she will always be with you and is now enjoying the banquet in heaven with Our Lord. GOD Bless.

s

shirley mobley posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

My prayers are with you and your family and may your memories and the love from those around you give you strength. Shirley Mobley

Y

Yolanda Rojas posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Pat, my prayers are with you and your family. God bless you. Yolanda Rojas

J

Jane Gold posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dear Pat and Family, My heart and prayers go out to you during this difficult time. Soon you will be able to take heart in knowing that this wonderful woman is now at peace and in God's hands once the pain of your loss starts to fade. Until then, know that you are dear to me and that I am here for you anytime you need. Love, Jane Gold from Northshore University Health Systems.

R

Ruth Barrios posted a condolence

Monday, September 27, 2010

Pat and family, my deepest sympathy goes out to you. May your memories give you strength, may the love of those around you help you through the days ahead but most of all may the comfort of God help you during this difficult time. Sincerely, Ruth

M

Melanie posted a condolence

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Grandma, I don't even know where to begin. I am devastated beyond words. You have been my driving force and strength my entire life and I have no idea what to do without you. I hope that I can find the strength that I never had to have because you had it. You are so much a part of me that I can't imagine life without you and I can't imagine a day that will go by where I won't miss you with everything I've got. I would have done anything to keep you. I will never have anyone in my life like you which also means that no one can fill the empty space in my life, a special place that only you fit in. You played many roles in my life as I was growing up. You were my Grandma, my second parent, my babysitter, and my friend. We did everything together. I don't know how to be without you. Even though I know you are in a better place now if I could bring you back I would be selfish enough to do it. I still need you and I don't feel like I had enough time with you. I was ready for a lifetime with you because I couldn't imagine one without you. So now the best I can do is strive to be like you, and to be the person that you want me to be. I will keep you alive in the things I do and the stories I tell. I will never let anyone forget you, and will always let everyone know about my most special friend that I will ever have. I love you Grandma

J

Joyree Grissett posted a condolence

Sunday, September 26, 2010

•Kathy, Pat, & Melanie please accept my most heartfelt sympathy for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. I really enjoyed being Virginia's nurse and she will be missed.

R

Rose Marie Steuart posted a condolence

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Pat, Kathy and Melanie, Our thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. I sure enjoyed working with your mother at St. Therese. rose Marie

D

Debbie Grissom posted a condolence

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Kathy: I am so sorry to hear the news about your mother and can't imagine the sadness you must be feeling now. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

D

Dana (Jenko) Bryant posted a condolence

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear Kathy & Family, I am saddened to hear of your Mother's passing. She was a wonderful lady and I have many fond memories of her. Please accept my deepest sympathy. Love, Dana

S

Sylvia posted a condolence

Thursday, November 30, 0002

Pat and family, My heart goes out to you in your time of sorrow, and may the love of those around you help you through the days ahead. Sorry for your loss Love Sylvia.

Virginia Williams

1924 - 2010

Our Location

3012 Sheridan Road
Zion, IL 60099

Phone: 847-746-1234
Fax: 847-746-1237

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Virginia Williams

1924 - 2010

Our Location

3012 Sheridan RoadZion, IL 60099

Phone: 847-746-1234Fax: 847-746-1237

HOME | ABOUT US | AT-NEED | PRE-NEED | RESOURCES | OBITUARIES & TRIBUTES | REMEMBRANCE SUITE

3012 Sheridan Road
Zion, IL 60099

Phone: 847-746-1234
Fax: 847-746-1237