Friday, October 14, 2016
Kat Rose writes
September 28 at 9:22pm · Chicago ·
Let's be honest for a moment here:: My grandfather (whom I never once called grandfather and or any version of that) so... Bill it is. What a man! Where does one start? He wasn't a gushing grandparent. You wouldn't catch him going in for a hug or saying sentimental things. You rarely heard an 'I love you'. But you didn't have to hear it to know He loved and cared very deeply. He just showed it with actions rather than words. He was the hardest working man I have ever met. He even built his own home for goodness sake. He was smart, consistent, dedicated, and as I said so very hard working. He held his family together by simply being a dependable and reliable person. All the gushiness aside. He loved to joke and by joke I mean flat out make fun of people. He also was the best at swearing and being all around offensive (to those who took him too seriously.) . Every time we would take him to a homeschooled/church function his mouth followed right along. "God Damn it" being one of his favorite lines to yell out in front of those who would be most offended. ;) He would come to our dance shows just so he could laugh at those who fell or were out of step. He came to our functions justttt so he could have a good chuckle at the misfortunes that would happen. All in good fun(I think. Or maybe not). He usually was funny as hell and like I said probably offensive to most. He mostly just said what everyone else was thinking. And we wonder where my family got it's sass? He was also the most stubborn person I have ever met. Again, I wonder where my family gets it? ;)
He wasn't a person you'd have a deep emotional conversation with. But he sure had opinions on most everything. Usually he was right on the money. He was dependable as heck though. Never once did he disappoint. Showed up every time. It was never a question if he would be there. He invested his time to be with his kids and grandkids. He adored his great-grand children. Just adored them. He was a fantastic drummer. He loved Lake Michigan. He Loved his dogs (probably more than his kids or grandkids (again the truth hurts)).He spent countless hours in forest perseveres walking his dogs. This is just a short glimpse of this man. This beautiful, uncomplicated, and very simply man. Our family will never be the same without him. The pillar that held us together is now just a burning memory.
Our last conversation a few weeks ago was very few words. He simply told me he didn't have anything left to say.(A result of having visitors nonstop for 5 days straight) I told him I loved him and he squeezed my hand. Sitting in perfectly silence, I hoped it wasn't goodbye. But in my heart I knew I wasn't going to make it home again for a few weeks. A simple good-bye. A simple understanding that his beautiful legacy of a life story was coming to an end. His life lives on in the work ethic of his children and grand children. Seriously, he created a fantastic legacy. That can not be argued. He should and was so proud of his family. He knew how blessed he was with all those that loved him. I told him over and over the past couple months that all these stubborn crazy people were his fault. He of course blamed his wife ;)
Friday morning. Around 500am my patient starting slipping. A half hour of panic and praying "not today." Silently begging this man not today. I found myself sitting there holding the hand of someone else's father, husband, and grandfather. His wife calls 3+ times a shift. His son calls another 3+ times a shift. people who invest and care about their family. Another one of my patient's, this weekend, him and Bill would have gotten along perfectly. Similar personalities. A man who clearly means the world to his adoring and loving family. He isn't the easiest of patients. Very complicated needs and wants. I spent hours in that man's room trying to explain to him what and why we do what we do. Physically and emotionally drained I left that morning knowing that something wasn't right. On my way out I had told my co-worker, who has looked out for me the minute I started working there, that I was at peace with my Grandfather. That I had the chance to say goodbye the last time I was home and that I had time to accept what was happening.
I knew something wasn't right. As usual I called my mom on the way home and learned that around 5-530 that morning Bill had passed. Peacefully and in the comfort of my mother's home. (My mom deserves her own shout of of love. What patience and love she has)
It was also that Friday morning(9-23) I read this little devotional of sorts. It brought full circle all the wonderful and beautiful hospital, nursing home, home health, and hospice staff that have taken care of Bill these past months. Knowing perfectly well that Bill was the complicated, cranky, and all around the patient that caused problems. But, for my mom especially, we will never forget the staff that impacted us during the hardest moments.
Reflecting, for myself, I realized I would much rather be remembered for being the family and patient's favorite nurse. A staple. Someone who made an impact. A real impact with a lasting impression. These were the thoughts that carried me through some of my most trying and difficult shifts/patients/family/nights at work the past three days. I relied on my co-workers to help me through each night. Most don't even realize the impact they had on me. Offering me words of hope and encouragement. Without even knowing the situation.
This is one of my take aways from this difficult moment for my family. That cranky old man complaining about his dentures who is once again on the call light again causing "all the problems" is quite possibly the man that held his family together. The look in the families eyes and the crack in their voice is just a reflection of the fear of not knowing how one continues without someone. I want to be able to be that person that is reliable enough and is able to offer just that glimpse of hope and understanding.
"The sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the words that sustains the weary" Isaiah 50:4.
I also am surrounded by the intensity of death.(part of what you sign up for when you become a nurse) People in comas and brain injuries so severe that if they ever do wake up their quality of life is sure to impacted. Often sit and think about how I view death. Because I am supposed to be a person that helps others cope with it. It isn't easy.. but I'm trying to figure it out.
So where does that leave me right now?
Well right now. Heartbroken and sad.
But also starting a journey where life is celebrated and since death is part of life. A journey where we can celebrate death because of the life.
